


Hate Me

by NovaNovaa



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Relationship, F/M, Jealousy, Masturbation, Relationship(s), Rough Sex, Smut, Stalker, Swearing, Trauma, Triggers, toxic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-03-17
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:14:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 28,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29607903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NovaNovaa/pseuds/NovaNovaa
Summary: You’ve been with Eren for a little over a year now, but the flame died quick. These days he leaves you lonely and confused, the constant fights and turmoil bruising your heart, but you can’t seem to leave him.Is there any chance at rekindling what you once had?
Relationships: Eren Yeager/Reader, Eren/Reader, Mikasa Ackerman/Jean Kirstein, Sasha Blouse/Niccolo
Comments: 84
Kudos: 192





	1. Hot and Cold

**Author's Note:**

> WARNING
> 
> This story may contain content that’s triggering for anyone with a previous/current toxic relationship. In no way do I condone romanticizing toxic relationships, this is simply meant to be a smutty/emotional fanfic, again if you are sensitive to this topic then read at your own discretion. 
> 
> There’s no rape or serious physical abuse in this fanfic, or at least I haven’t planned for there to be any. 
> 
> Thank you and enjoy!

You walk through the cavernous college hallway, the patter of your shoes echoing off the walls.

Today feels empty, every day feels empty. Your shoulders are heavy as you clutch your bag, and your legs seem to drag.

A classmate walks past you and gives a polite hello. You blink tiredly and continue on, not even glancing in their direction.

Eren hasn’t been home in a week, but you don’t know if you even care. You don’t feel happy when you’re around him, you don’t look forward to seeing him anymore, it’s like he’s just become a fixed part of your mundane life.

No... like he’s latched onto you like some kind of parasite, sucking the sun out of your days.

To no surprise the sky is overcast as you exit the building. You can’t remember the last time you stepped outside to a sunny sky.

“Hey... wait up!”

“Huh?”

You turn around sluggishly to see Armin running up to you, how long had he been chasing you for?

He catches up, his voice haggard as he catches his breath, “Hey... _huff_... sorry just- can I borrow your notes from today’s econ class? I had to skip it for something important.”

“Oh... yeah, here.” You dig into your bag and hand him your book.

“Thanks... by the way, are you okay? You always look really... tired these days.”

His face suddenly widens and he nervously waves his hands, realizing he might have said something insensitive, “Oh, uh, sorry- I didn’t think - sorry I just... I didn’t mean it in an offensive way, I’m just concerned about you.”

Something in your chest tightens, when was the last time you’ve felt cared about?

“.... it’s okay. And... I haven’t seen Eren in a while, I’m not sure where he’s been. He hasn’t answered my texts or anything.”

He frowns, you both know he wasn’t talking about your demeanor this past week, but rather your overall mood this past year you’ve been dating Eren.

“Thanks for asking though... see you later Armin. Just hand the book back next time.”

You leave before he can question any further.

~

The bathroom air is thick with steam as you step out of the shower, your hair dripping onto the tile.

Your hand reaches to rub the foggy mirror, your stone-cold face looking back at you.

_Hm... maybe a face mask would help... no. I don’t feel like it_.

After rubbing and scrunching your hair in the towel some, you wrap it around your body and step out into the dimly lit living room of your apartment, breath instantly catching in your throat.

“Uh... Eren...”

He stands at the counter unpacking something from his bag, hair pulled back in a loose bun and the bags under his eyes suggesting he hasn’t slept in a while. He doesn’t bother looking at you.

“Hey...”

“Wh... where have you been?”

You step up to the counter, he still doesn’t look at you, who knows what his mind is occupied with.

“I just went to see Zeke. Can you get out the rum for me?”

“Oh, sure...”

Absentmindedly, you walk to the liquor cabinet, pulling the half-full bottle of expensive rum out and placing it on the counter.

You and Eren began with sparks and wild nights, everyone agreed you two fit together. You were a bad girl, and he was a bit of a delinquent. Nowadays, you two are akin to an old unhappy married couple.

You can say with confidence you know him better than anyone, but it’s not a good thing necessarily. You’ve seen him at his best, and at his _very_ worst.

It lingers on your mind everyday, how pointless this relationship is. The last time you told him you loved him was three months ago. You still do love him, but it would sicken you to say it out loud.

He follows you into the bedroom, both of you changing. Clothes scatter the floor, a cup or two pushed to the edge of the nightstand, but neither of you seem to care.

As you finish slipping a shirt that’s probably his over your head and stepping into sweatpants, you look over to see him changing into a baggy black long sleeved shirt, not bothering to change his black ripped jeans.

“Are you going somewhere?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

You sigh disappointedly and narrow your brows at him, voice quiet, “Yknow... I’d appreciate if you could tell me the next time you’re gonna disappear for a week.”

He stops what he’s doing and glances towards you with annoyance, “Tch, why do you suddenly care?”

“Eren.” You level your eyes cross at him, “I thought you had run off to see some other girl. I wouldn’t be surprised if you were cheating on me, you never tell me anything.”

He stares at you with a neutral look you can’t quite pin, eventually sighing and continuing to dig through laundry.

“I’m not going to cheat on you. Stop doubting me so much, it’s why I never tell you anything. You’re always so paranoid-“

“You-!” You step forward and level an angry accusatory finger at him, but instead of going off you step back let your frustration show in a restrained way. You don’t want to fight with him after he just got back.

“Don’t call me paranoid asshole, I honestly didn’t think you were coming back. Just... try to see it from my point of view-“

“Babe you _know_ I wasn’t doing anything-“

“I didn’t even know where the hell-! Ugh Jesus whatever. I don’t have the energy to fight with you right now. Just go.”

You scoff and turn away from him, waiting for him to leave.

Your eye catches on the silver ring you bought him that he still wears on his middle finger, it amazes you he hasn’t taken it off out of spite yet.

You’ve both changed so much, people don’t want to talk to you because you intimidate them, and everyone’s scared of Eren after his numerous breakdowns.

He opens his mouth, ready to rebuke you, but he just sighs angrily and shakes his head.

The front door clicks on his way out, you once again being the only presence in this desolate small apartment.

~

... _uhn_.

You stir awake, noticeably not on your bed. You’re sprawled across the couch, an empty wine bottle laying on the carpet beneath your hand.

Your head spins a slight as you sit up, blindly reaching for your phone. The screen blinks to life, and you curse at the sudden flash of light, finger tapping desperately to turn the brightness down.

On your notifications screen is one missed call from Eren, a Snapchat from Mikasa and the numerous birth control reminders that you never bothered clearing.

**3:16 a.m**

You stand up, wandering into the bedroom. For some reason your head clears a bit at seeing Eren’s shirtless sleeping form under the covers, the small Angel tattoo on his neck and his gold chain illuminated by the strip of moonlight coming in through the ajar curtains. At least he came home.

Before crawling into bed you take a well needed piss, the slight trace of alcohol still in your veins a means for arousal. You can’t remember the last time you were intimate with Eren beyond a blowjob.

You wash your hands and crawl into bed, pushing yourself against his firm back, craving the warmth you once felt.

Your soul aches for human touch, to feel prioritized, to feel loved and wanted.

You turn around and fold your arms against his back, gently patting his hot skin with your hand, “ _Eren... Eren_...”

“... _hn_?...” his back vibrates as he groans, a sign you woke him up.

“ _I’m horny_...”

He’s still for a moment, the tension in your chest releasing when he sluggishly turns over and wraps a strong arm around you, his body incomparably hot in this now frigid room.

You adjust yourself, aligning your faces so your noses are now touching. The ghosts of butterflies taunt your stomach as he nuzzles into a kiss.

_**Chu**_...

Your lips smack softly as you kiss, savoring the familiar feeling of his skilled lips moving against yours, fitting seemingly perfect together.

He breaks away to kiss down your jaw, settling into the crevice of your neck, his breath hot against your skin.

“... _I’m sorry_..” he mumbles into your ear and traces his fingers up your side, sliding into your shirt to grab your breast.

His weak apology is like the whispering of a snake, you know he means it, but it’s not a promise to not fight again. More than likely he’ll make you cum then go back to being distant.

“ _Whatever... just fuck me_.”

He pinches your nipple in his finger as he moves on top of you, lips moving back to yours to ask for entrance with his tongue, to which you allow as it enters and coyly runs across your bottom lip, sucking on it.

Why does he have to be such a good kisser...

His other hand pushes your legs open, settling on your thigh as he gives it a squeeze and settles his hips against yours.

You rub yourself against his pants to feel his boner, wishing it were inside you already. He sighs heavily into your mouth as you continue grinding on him.

Tingles spark across your skin when he moves his hands to slide your panties off with a featherlight touch, tossing them to a random corner of the room.

All you wanted in this moment was his dick, you were long past wishing for a loving embrace, you knew it was hopeless. And he knew the same.

You moan into the lazy kiss as his fingers find your slit, tracing up and down to stop on your clit, rubbing small circles. To no one’s surprise you were already slick with wetness, you did say you were horny.

He breaks away to take his pants off, returning to cup your hips with his rough hands and level them with his. You clutch the sheets beside you as he teases your cunt with his cock, eventually pushing it in slowly.

He pushes all the way in and your toes curl, his forearms coming back to rest beside your head as he sets the pace, your own arms locking around his neck.

You had been aching for him for so long, you had missed him filling you up and rocking at just the right pace to grace your g-spot.

Why does he have to give such good dick...

“ _Mm... haa_...”

You moan soft and breathlessly into the air. His hand moves to rub your clit again, his rocking gradually getting faster and harder. He responds with soft grunts of his own into your neck, biting your ear with lust.

In this moment your heart has found the rediscovered feeling of something like satisfaction. It was almost heartwarming to know he was trying to make you feel good, granted he likes it too, but he was prioritizing your own needs above his. Eren responded to your sexual request without any thought, even though he was in the middle of a needed sleep which you always knew to never wake him from.

Both of your breaths are heavy and shaky, the bed creaking as he slides in and out of you with practiced motions to hit your g-spot over and over.

You try to push the feeling down, the wrenching at your heart, but you almost think he cares about you again. What other reason does he have for trying to meet your needs?

Your head is torn between different thoughts all while you’re getting screwed by Eren. It confuses you... upsets you.

Does he care? Does he still love you? Why would he stay if he didn’t? You don’t like being with him... but you need him.

In your heart you know you’re just holding onto loose threads, holding onto memories that are lost. He probably doesn’t love you. But he fucks you with such sincerity.

“ _Haa... kh._..”

You can’t hold the tears from escaping your eyes, almost turning to steam from the heat on your cheeks.

He moves above you, staring into your eyes with arousal and shaky breaths amid the continuous thrusts.

“ _Nngh... you’re so... pretty when you cry..._ ”

You sniffle and try to catch your breath as you bring your arm up to cover your face, praying this sex could go on forever, yet wishing it to end.

“ _Don’t call me pretty... haa..._ ”

He drills in harder, the force of it knocking you closer to the orgasm that you so desperately want.

Your nails dig into his back, your lungs begging for air as the tension in your abdomen builds to be unbearable.

“ _Eren... ohh...!_ ”

Finally the tension snaps like a band, and you crash back down to earth, legs quivering violently as you yelp out in euphoric pleasure.

Why does he always have to make you cum...

He stays rocking for a few more seconds, chasing his own release.

“ _Ggh_...”

He stops moving, his pulsing cock filling you up. Both of you stay in that position, heaving for air.

The after effects have you even more emotionally drained. The tears return again, you aren’t sure if you needed that or if this was the wrong time.

As soon as he pulls out you slide off the bed and walk shakily to the bathroom, hoping he doesn’t question about your crying.

You close the door behind you and lock it, collapsing onto the toilet.

No, he probably knows why you’re crying.

“*sniffle*... _ugh_...”

Your shoulders shake with a long needed sob, your sad whimpers filling the bathroom. You just want him to smile at you again, to laugh, anything.

He doesn’t love you anymore. But you still love him... or do you? Maybe it’s just co-dependence. These days the lines have become blurred.

Every day is the same and every fight is no different than the last. You wish you could scream at him, hit him, choke him, anything to make him _look_ at you.

‘Look at me!’ ‘Talk to me!’ You want to scream it in his face. Heaven to you would be a world where it never went wrong, where the love never died, where he still bought you flowers and lovingly told you you were pretty.

Once the sobs had turned to shaky breaths and hiccups, you finished peeing and cleaning yourself up, washing your trembling hands in the sink.

You make your way to the bed, solemnly climbing under the thin sheets and turning away from Eren’s back.

It‘s cold now. His warmth is so far away. Your hand itches to hold his, even something small like that would bring a sliver of comfort.

But it’s too late. Long gone were the days of love and comfort.

It’s too late...


	2. The Bedsheets

The cadence of traffic greets your ears as you wake, the early morning light is dim through the curtains. The sheets next to you are empty and cold.

You roll over and grab your phone off the charger, it’s 5:26 a.m, work starts at 6. You scroll through Instagram and Snapchat, listening to the sound of the shower running. Eren starts work at 7, if he hasn’t already quit yet.

You open the Snapchat from Mikasa, it’s a closeup of her blanket with a question mark. That’s right, you drank an entire bottle of wine last night, and not just any wine - shitty, cheap wine from the grocery store. You briefly remember sending her some lengthy rant about random gibberish, she probably couldn’t understand half of it.

You reply to her in the chats:  
  


** Me  
** ** Sorry Mikasa, I got really drunk last night. **

Eventually, she replies.

** Mikasa **

** It’s fine lol **

** Are you okay?  **

** Me **

** Yeah **

** I just got into a little fight with Eren after he came home **

** Mikasa **

** He’s back? **

** Where has he been? **

** Me **

** He said he was with Zeke this whole time but I kinda doubt that **

** Mikasa **

** Is that all he said  **

** Me **

** Yeah **

**Mikasa**

**Seriously what’s wrong with Eren I’ll tell him to apologize properly next time I see him.** ** Anyways do you want to get lunch with Sasha and I? **

** Me **

** Sure, my shift ends at 11 **

** Mikasa **

** K I’ll text you the place  **

You breath a sigh and put your phone down. It’s nice to have friends to talk to sometimes, but truthfully you rarely hang out with them or open up. You even find yourself getting bored of their company if you talk to them for too long, it isn’t healthy.

Your phone lights up with another daily reminder for your birth control.

The sheets rustle as you leave the safety of you and Eren’s bed, walking over to the closet. 

_This place really needs a clean_.

More clothes scour the flour of your closet, you can’t tell which side is yours anymore. Luckily, you manage to find one clean pair of work clothes left.

You change into them and brush your knotted hair, deciding to be decent and at least take the build up of hair out.

You’re not going to bother taking a shower, you’ll get flour and crumbs all over you anyways.

The chill air of the fridge greets you, but that’s all that came to say good morning. Old takeout boxes and random condiments are all to be found.

_ Looks like I’ll just steal a tart from the bakery again. _

You close the fridge door and pick up your phone again, it’s 5:47, and the bakery is a three minute walk from your apartment. You’ve got enough time.

_** Honk honk! ** _

You step out onto the tiny balcony, sitting in one of the two old chairs centered around the table, Eren’s box of cigarettes and a lighter on top, which you dig into.

Peace finds you as you inhale deeply from the cigarette, exhaling all your tension and confusion from last night. Hopefully this quiet morning can turn into a quiet day, it’s all you want.

Last night, was just like any other night. You two barely spoke a word, but eventually one of you will always come crawling to the other for sexual relief. 

** 5:54 a.m **

The balcony door creaks closed as you walk back inside, grabbing your work shoes and putting them on.

Eren walks out of the bathroom, towel hanging low on his defined waist. You think of how he fucked you last night, it was amazing, and yet nothing has changed between you two.

He stops, staring at you.

“I thought you didn’t smoke anymore.”

“I lied.”

His eyes linger on you lightly, as if he wants to prod but he knows you’d snap at him like a grouchy cat.

Your hands finish tying the laces on your shoes and you stand, grabbing your purse.

Some part of you wants to hear him ask when you’ll be home, if you’re doing something today, even a simple ‘bye’ would make your day.

But he says nothing as you open the door. You stop, deciding to say something first, like always.  
  


“... Can you pick up your clothes sometime today? This place is becoming a mess.”

“You’ve been the only one in it-“

“Yeah well you left me in this pig sty for a week.” You turn your head and snap at him. 

He clenches his jaw and rolls his eyes, “Whatever.Just pick up your clothes too.”

And with that you leave as fast as the conversation ended. It’s your fault you ruined this morning.

~

Your back aches as you say farewell to your coworkers and leave out the back door, looking down at your phone to see Mikasa has texted you an address. 

You can’t help but contort your face, “Pepper Garden... ugh. I hate that place.”

** Ring! **

The bell dings as you step through the front door of the restaurant, it’s moderately full, but not too crowded. 

In the corner of your eye you see Sasha wave to you, to which you walk over to the table.

“Hey y/n!” 

“Hey.”

You greet them and sit down, sighing in relief as you hit the cheaply padded booth cushion. 

“How’s your morning been?” Mikasa asks, taking a sip from her lemonade, “By the way, I hope you don’t mind but we ordered lemonade for the table.”

“It’s fine, I’m really thirsty.” You say, grabbing the cup and placing the straw in your mouth, the sweet citrus refreshing your taste buds and instantly improving your mood. 

“My morning’s been fine I guess.”

Sasha leans in curiously, “So I heard Eren came back from disappearing off the face of the earth for a week. Where the hell was he?”

“He said he was with Zeke but I’m not sure... I’m... still kind of worried he was doing something I wouldn’t like.”

Sasha groans, “Ugh, he’s so obtuse these days. So I can take it you guys still aren’t doing well?”

It was a well known fact among your friend group, and even the entire college population, that you and Eren didn’t have the healthiest of relationships. You’ve had heated fights in front of people in the past, and you never speak of each other with any fondness or passion. It was safe to say everyone wondered why you guys were even still together. 

“No... nothings changed.”

“When was the last time you two went on a date?”

“Um... we went to dominoes three months ago I think.”

“I swear, you guys are like the old scary depressed married couple of the group.”

“Sasha don’t rub it in.” Mikasa sighs, then looks to you with pity, “Honestly y/n... just break up with him already. You’re so miserable because of him.”

You hold your arm, unsure of what to say, “I know I just... he’s changed because of me too. We’re both miserable-“

“No it’s all Eren’s fault and you know it. Zeke came back into his life and he started acting different, he  _chose_ to become an asshole.”

“Nh...” 

You hesitate, how do you respond? It was true, but maybe it was also true that you were making Eren unhappy. But still... something in your heart says you can’t leave him, you need him because you’ll never love anyone like you love him. At least you’re still fully capable of functioning without him, or well... you think you are.

“Let’s stop with the sad talk okay? I have some serious news to share with you guys...” Sasha suggests changing the subject.

“What is it?” You and Mikasa enquire.

She waits for suspension, then leans in and drops her voice, “I think Professor Campbell is having an affair with a student.”

“Huh?” You lean back, unable to believe what she’s speculating.

“What’s the proof?” Mikasa asks.

“Right, so Niccolo and I were going back to his lecture hall because I forgot my pencil case and we’re about to walk in but a girl walks out looking all red and frazzled with a smile on her face! If that doesn’t scream ‘I just fucked the professor’ then I don’t know what does!” 

Mikasa chuckles to herself, “That sounds like pretty solid evidence, but she could have just ran down from the top really quickly to leave class.”

“No, she was sitting near the bottom there’s no amount of exercise she could have been doing within that time frame that would leave her that flushed and frazzled.”

“Right...”

Mikasa smiles at you over the lemonade as Sasha continues rambling, the gesture warming your heart. 

You meekly smile back at her, you needed this today. 

~

“ _Huff... Huff_...”

You breathe heavily, finally finished sorting through all of yours and Eren’s laundry and placing them in separate baskets. 

After having lunch with Mikasa and Sasha, you decided you’d clean the entire apartment today. You already tidied up the living room and kitchen, but now you have to wash your clothes and bedding, tidy the bathroom, and give everything a deep clean. 

Eren doesn’t have any classes today, but he’s working two jobs, so he’ll be away all day. Maybe he’d show some appreciation if you cleaned the apartment.

You scoff to yourself, he’ll probably just ignore all the hard work you put in and go back to trashing it.

No, you’re doing this for yourself. 

Luckily you two were able to save up enough for your own washing and drying machine five months ago, so you’re able to rotate the laundry piles while scrubbing and vacuuming. 

You hesitate to put your own laundry in the washer, Eren will probably want to go straight to bed when he gets home after taking a shower, maybe you should wash the bedding first.

“... Tch, no. Fuck him, he can sleep on the floor.”

Throughout the day the apartment fills with the scent of lemon cleaning products and dust, all the open windows being just barely enough to waft out the fumes.

Finally, you put the last load of laundry into the dryer and finish hanging the bedsheets up on the line outside. The inside is practically sparkling, and you’re absolutely exhausted. 

You check the time on your phone, 6:34 p.m, Eren should be home soon.

You hop in the shower, washing yourself well and changing when you get out. You’re in a better mood than normal and the place is finally clean. All your hope rides on Eren’s reaction when he comes home. 

You’re sitting on the couch in a black sweatshirt and leggings when you hear the door open. 

You stand and watch, waiting for any reaction, any change in his face. He doesn’t say anything, just sets a small bag of groceries onto the counter snd starts unpacking it slowly. 

You walk up beside him, “Well? Aren’t you happy the apartments finally clean-“

You stop short when he turns to glare at you, clearly he’s had a bad day. You want to scoff at him, but you know you’d just be poking the bear.

“... Did something happen today?”

“No.”

He finishes unpacking some boxes of instant ramen, leaving the bag on the counter and heading towards the bedroom. He’s not going to be happy about the bed. 

He stops at the open door, groaning and turning around, “Can you make the damn bed?”

“Wh-don’t tell me what to do.”

“You’re the one who took the bedding off.”

“Because it needed to be washed. I’ve been cleaning this entire place all day and washing the bedding- I even did your laundry for you!”

He stands still for a moment, unsure of a rebuke he can come up with, “Well I didn’t ask you to do any of that.”

“I didn’t do it for you! This is my apartment too, I cleaned it because it was messy! And you can’t even- ugh. Whatever.”

You sigh and rub your temple, already feeling a headache coming on. 

“Babe, are you gonna tell me what happened? Otherwise I don’t know how to make you happy right now.”

“You never know how to make me happy.”

_... what? _

Your eyes widen in hurt, he really said that to you. It wrenches your heart, it  _stings_.  He’s said worse before, but still... he hasn’t been this mean in a while. You feel tears starting to collect in your eyes.

He opens and closes his mouth, possibly regretting what he just said in the moment, but no apology comes out. 

“Then... we should just break up.”

“... what?” 

You take a breath and wipe your eyes, trying to choke back angry, sad tears.

“Eren... we’re miserable. You aren’t good to me and all I ever do is seem to make you mad. You ruined my relationship with my mother for Christ’s sake.”

His eyebrows furrow, then he scoffs and looks away, “Tch stop talking like that, look sorry for not appreciating your cleaning, can we just go back to normal I’ve had a long day-“

_ “ Fuck you _ ! You’re always getting shitty with me for no reason and you can’t even answer me when I ask you why you’re going out at random times! You know what? I wouldn’t be surprised if you really  were cheating on me!”

“Now hold on-“

“No! It would explain literally  _ everything _ ! You’re probably only still with me for the apartment! Is it  so  much to ask of you to be nice to me for once! Fuck Eren, I don’t even feel like your girlfriend anymore outside of the sex! It’s all because your brother came back in your life and started changing you! I can’t stand it I can’t  _ fucking  _ stand this!”

He doesn’t say anything, and you don’t care to look at his face. You let out a heavy sigh and grab your slides.

“I’m going for a walk, make your own fucking bed.”

~

You trudge your way up the apartment stairs, regret slowing your pace and weighing your body down. Maybe you shouldn’t have yelled at him like that, he probably didn’t listen.

You can’t decide if you want to break up with him or try to fix your broken relationship. You desperately want to mend it, but it’s not going to mend itself, you’re both too stubborn to change anything.

You slowly open the front door to the dark apartment, how long had you been out? 

Absentmindedly, you change into pajamas, surprised to find he took your clothes out of the dryer for you. 

The soft, clean sheets welcome you as you crawl in next to him, glad he’s facing his usual side. 

You close your eyes, you just want this day to be over.

“... I’m sorry.” His voice is quiet behind you.

It’s not enough, you don’t bother responding. He continues.

“I didn’t... mean what I said. I was just in a bad mood. I’m sorry.”  
  


Well, at least he sounds sincere, which to anyone else he would sound monotone and  _insincere_ , but you knew he meant it.

“... Go to sleep.”


	3. Liquor

You slip black ripped jeans over your lacy one-piece lingerie, complimenting it with a puffy black jacket that hangs off your shoulders and red strappy heels.

You reflect over today’s uneventful mediocracy as you clip your silver Dior necklace on with matching hoop earrings.

Eren and you have barely spoken to each other. Again, nothing’s changed. It’s distant once more.

Silky smooth hair falls from the straightener, warm on your shoulders. You touch up your makeup with foxy eyeliner and red lips, finishing the get-up with your signature Chanel Coco Mademoiselle perfume, the scent of citrus, jasmine and rose lingering in the air with traces of patchouli and vetiver.

Eren comes out of the closet, wearing a white tshirt with a black denim jacket and his usual ripped jeans, his chain and angel tattoo making an appearance.

“You ready to go?” He gives your outfit a once-over, narrowing his eyes in distaste at your lacy lingerie top. 

“Yeah.”

He walks past you, the scent of his Dior Sauvage cologne intoxicating your senses.

Jean was hosting a party at his expensive condo, there was likely going to be a lot of people. Neither of you liked crowds, but your group usually slips off to an empty area anyways.

You’re quiet in the car, remembering when Eren would put his hand on your thigh. He doesn’t do that anymore. All you can smell in the cramped car is his cologne, and you glance at him and wonder if he smells his cologne or your perfume, and if he likes it. He wouldn’t tell you if he  _ did _ .

Finally you two arrive at the condo, going up in the elevator and arriving at his open door, people filing in and out as loud party tunes pump through the hallway. 

_ Ugh, I wanna leave already. _

“Hey, Eren, y/n!” You look to your left, Jean waving to you from the lounge area, everyone else present.

“Hey.” Eren greets him as you two take a seat on the couch across from him, your hand immediately reaching for the bottle of whiskey and an empty cup on the table.

“You look really good y/n! And you smell so nice!” Sasha bounces tipsily on the couch to your left, Niccolo slinging an arm around her. 

“Thanks.”

“ _ah_..”  Jean smiles after taking a hearty drink from his cup, setting it down and looking at Eren next to you.

“So Eren, you ghosted us to hang out with Zeke for an entire week? And you didn’t even tell anyone... wow.”

“Yeah, you had us all worried there Eren.” Armin speaks up next to Jean.

Eren rolls his eyes and takes out a cigarette, “That’s all I was doing. Didn’t know you were all so concerned with my business.”

He takes an inhale then an exhale, kicking his feet up on the table. You feel a rustling behind you, the warmth of his hand next to your head comforting as he slings an arm around the back of the couch. You could almost blush, he never shows any amount of public affection. You can’t help leaning into him a slight, you’re his girlfriend, it’s okay to sit close to each other like this.

Mikasa appears with a cup in her hand and sits down next to Jean, narrowing her eyes at Eren.

“You couldn’t even tell your girlfriend you were going somewhere. Do you not see anything wrong with that Eren?”

“Tch.” He takes the cigarette in between his fingers and exhales thick smoke, “I already apologized.”

He didn’t, well, not really. You cross your arms and roll your eyes, but you won’t say anything. You don’t want him to get mad in front of everyone like he has in the past.

Connie comes around with a bottle of vodka, interrupting the mood. 

“Hey guys, let’s do shots!”

You raise your hand, “Over here Connie.”

He smiles and pulls a shot gloss out, filling it up for you, “Ha, you never shied away from alcohol did you y/n? I have to warn you though, it’s homemade vodka, I accidentally made it with 60% alcohol-“

“Thanks.” 

You take the full shot glass and knock it down with no problem. Of course it burns your throat, it’s disgusting. 

“Ew, that’s horrible.”

He pouts, “It’s just cuz it has a lot of alcohol. Don’t diss my hard work girl.”

Sasha raises her hand, “I wanna try it!” 

Niccolo shakes his head next to her, “You’re a lightweight Sasha, don’t do it.”

You take a sip from your whiskey, watching Sasha take the shot over the rim. As expected she gags and grimaces, “Oh god that’s  _ feral  _ Connie!”

Some time goes by as you all drink and converse, the mood finally lightening. You feel your head spinning a slight, you’re not drunk per say, rather tipsy.

Eren’s stopped smoking, turning to the bottle of whiskey instead. Sasha is away with Niccolo, puking in the toilet, while Jean and Mikasa are staying somewhat sober.

Connie crosses his leg on his lap, “You’ve never beat me in Uno Jean, just admit it.”

“It’s cause you’re a damn cheater!” He scowls.

Your cup is empty, and there’s no more whiskey. You stand up, “I’m getting another drink.”

You try, somewhat successfully, to walk back from the bar with a sober look, your cup almost tipping in your hand.

You freeze, blood going hot as you see a familiar blonde girl sitting in your spot next to Eren.

“Really? Well I think-“

“ _Move_.”

“Huh?”

She looks up at you, looming over her with a cold glare. Everyone else looks over you both with a certain nervousness. They recognize her too. A few parties ago she was drunk and tried to flirt with Eren, which you didn’t like but you didn’t say anything. Historia was her name you think.

Eren doesn’t seem too interested, fortunately.

She tucks her hair behind her ear, “Sorry but I’m already sitting here-“

“I said move.”

She has the nerve to roll her eyes and move to the lounge chair next to Eren. You decide to sit on the other side of him, guarding your boyfriend like some expensive object.

“So...” Jean tries to change the subject and relieve the tension, but they’re all wary of Historia, she should know better.

“What major are you taking again Historia?”

“I’m a business major, oh, don’t you do business too Eren?”

“I don’t always show up to class but yeah.”

“Oh really ahah?!” Her laugh is annoying, and you can’t help staring at her with venom as she twirls her hair around her finger. 

Mikasa looks at her slightly cross as well. 

Historia takes a breath and levels her boring blue eyes at you, “I’m sorry but what’s your problem?”

You scoff, as if she’s this stupid. 

“My problem?” 

Connie waves his hands, everyone knows what the beginning of a fight looks like at this point.

“Now hold on let’s just-“

“Yeah, you rudely told me to move and now your death staring me. You’re kinda being a bitch.”

Your blood boils and you slam your cup down on the table, oh she did  _ not  _ just call you a bitch.

“Are you this fucking stupid?! You tried flirting with my boyfriend a while ago and I didn’t say anything because you were wasted, and yet you’re still trying it!” The liquor in your system is only making you angrier.

“What? I didn’t know he was your boyfriend ugh, you guys don’t even talk to each other. I’m just being  _friendly_ - “

“ _Friendly_?  You’re flirting with him!”

Of course he’s staying silent next you, he never tries to stop you when you get mad at other people.

“No you’re just paranoid! Ugh I hate loud girls like you you’re all so obnoxious.” She looks at you with contempt. You can’t control yourself anymore.

You stand violently from the chair, “Do you wanna fucking fight  _cunt_? ”

“Why would I fight you that’s so immature!”

You grit your teeth and grab your cup, throwing the liquid at her face. 

She stands and gasps, “ _ What the fuck _ !”

Finally, Eren hooks his arm around you and pulls you back, “Okay stop-“

“ _Fuck off_ -“

The people around you have stopped to watch the commotion. She scowls and slaps you across the face.

The liquor gives you a rush of adrenaline and lack of care for the consequences. You manage to break free from Eren and bundle your fist, clocking the weak girl in the jaw.

“ _I FUCKING DARE YOU_!”

“Y/n!” Mikasa stands and looks over the scene in concern, “Okay, let’s stop, everyone calm down.” She grabs a flailing Historia, while Eren struggles to hold you back as you kick and claw at the air.

“ _Fucking... bitch_!” 

Mikasa shoves Historia towards the front door, clearly having had enough, “Get out!”

“ _What the hell did I do_?  She’s the one who hit me!”

“I’m sick of people fighting all the time, damn.” Jean sighs and picks up the cups on the floor, shaking his head the alcohol splattered everywhere.

Clearly this is an occurrence everyone’s used to by now. Sometimes you or Eren, mostly Eren, will start a fight or argument at a party. Though Sasha has started a couple fights herself.

“Ugh, come on.” Eren practically drags you away from the scene, aggressively pushing you into the bathroom.

You stumble to the toilet, bile rising in your throat suddenly. 

“ _Blegh_!” You gag, vomit spewing out into the toilet. 

Eren watches in annoyance as you continue throwing up everything you drank and ate today. 

“You done?”

“ _Huff... Huff_... yeah... ” you stay slumped over the toilet trying to catch your breath.

The whiskey and homemade vodka shots have finally caught up with you, the bathroom spins and you wonder if that fight was just a dream. 

“Why did you do that? You always have to cause a commotion.” He comes up beside you and takes a piece of toilet paper from the roll, crouching down and moving your hair out of your face.

You don’t stop the blush flushing your cheeks, when’s the last time he looked after you like this? The last time he touched your face?

His hand wipes across your lip, blood coming up with your smeared lipstick. She must have hit you during the short fight. 

“She... tried to flirt with you.  _But you’re mine_.”

You lunge forward and wrap your arms around his waist, rubbing a bit of makeup on his shirt. 

You stay like that for a second, savoring the warmth from his hard chest, but it quickly ends when he pushes you away and stands up.

“You’re so annoying, let’s just go home.” 

You can’t help but sigh and sit on your legs pathetically, you had really hoped he would be nice to you.

“Wh-ugh, and you got  _ makeup _ on my fucking shirt.” He complains, looking in the mirror in disdain.

The counter is cold beneath your hand as you use it to prop yourself up, trying to steady yourself. 

You follow him out of the bathroom, the lights blinding your vision, you can’t walk straight, clinging onto walls and tripping over your heels. 

“Are you okay y/n?” Mikasa appears in front of you two, turning to glare at Eren. You’re too disoriented to reply.

“You can’t even help her walk? Look at her she’s tripping over everything.”

Eren rolls his eyes, “She chose to get drunk, and get into a fight. She’ll be fine-“

“Ugh!” She slaps him across the face  _ hard _ .

_** Smack! ** _

“Don’t hit him...” you whimper, crouching against the wall. 

“What the hell was that for Mikasa!” He yells at her.

“You’re a  _ shitty  _ boyfriend and a  _ shitty  _ human being! Look how miserable you’ve made her!  _Look at her_! ” She points at you, and Eren only briefly glances.

Mikasa continues, “Why is it so hard for you to be nice to her? Why are you even still together? I get it, she’s not perfect either, but  you  made her like that! And you won’t even apologize for anything!”

She huffs angrily, it warms your drunken heart that she’s stands up for you, but you also don’t like her yelling at Eren.

He looks back at you, to which you say nothing. 

~

The car is silent, the streetlights passing by you shining like stars in your drowsy eyes.

Despite all the drama that just occurred, your mind wanders to millions of different places. 

“Eren... I don’t want to leave you.”

“... I know.”

“I hate you.”

“I know.”

That brief exchange was enough to cement where you two stand. Together, but without the love,  _like always_. If you were sober you would cry, but you don’t care right now. That’s a sorrow for tomorrow.

You were supposed to have fun tonight but no fun was had. In your head, it’s not over yet.

You roll your head off of the window, turning it towards Eren. Just looking at him gives you an itch your core, you think your fantasies could easily come true, because you’re drunk. You don’t know or think any better. 

“When we get home can you fuck me.”

“I don’t feel like it.”

You stare at him for a few seconds, deciding on a path for some sense of satisfaction.

Your hand inches towards his leg, settling on his thigh and rubbing it with your thumb. He doesn’t say anything, just glancing at you in the corner of his eye.

You take this as a yes.

The belt on his pants jingles as you undo it slowly, unzipping his pants and leaning over the cup holders.

You grip his cock and stroke it softly, collecting a glob of spit in your mouth and sticking your tongue out, letting it dribble onto his tip.

As you lick up the base to the top, he takes his left hand off the wheel and buries his fingers in your hair, the drive silent save for the sounds of you swirling you tongue around his tip and placing it in your lips.

He likes when you kiss and suck at his tip.

Your lips never leave the tip, giving it special attention as you tease him. 

He inhales sharply as you finally sink your mouth down, “ _Shit_... ”

“ _Mm_... ” You moan on his cock, bobbing your head up and down while twisting with your left hand. Your pussy throbs in your pants, craving for him, but this is all you’ll get tonight.

You feel the car slow down and pull off into an empty parking lot. He turns the car off, leaning his head back entangling your hair around his fingers.

You take your hand off and he pushes your head down, his tip touching the back of your throat as you gag. 

“ _Yeah... like that... _ _haa..._ ”

Your bobbing gets faster and harder, you can feel him nearing his limit. His breathing quickens, and his grunts get louder.

You want to please him, he’ll stay longer if you do right? You know there’s no better feeling in the world for him than you being wrapped around his dick. He never turns an offer to cum down, even if you had just been fighting. But asking him to pleasure you was typically a harder request. Maybe that’s why he stays with you.

He bucks his hips, cum filling your mouth and grunting.

“ _Nngh_... ”

You swallow the sticky substance and lick the excess off, catching your breath as you sit back, and he tucks his dick back into his pants.

You’re still tired and horny, but at least in your drunk mind you satisfied him. Is that really all that matters to you anymore? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making Historia the bad guy :,)


	4. Euphoria

The rumbling of fireworks drowns out as Eren rubs the back of his neck and blushes, you knew it was coming. You had waited for so long to hear someone say it to you. Your heart could grow wings and flutter away at this point.

“Uh, I don’t really know how to do this sorta thing but... hah.” He laughs nervously and smiles up at you, features warm and genuine.

It really is just like that day. 

“I lov-“

_** BAM! ** _

A blinding light envelopes your field of vision, fading away to reveal it wasn’t real.

The fair grounds are empty, dark, desolate. Trash blows across the ground sadly, the abandoned stalls and rides begging for mirth.

“Eren!” 

You call out for him, but no answer.

A poster falls from the sky like a leaf in the wind, and you catch it. 

** “It’s too late” **

You let it fall. 

“ _It’s too late._..”

Shadows whisper to you from all directions, the wind growing colder and your world getting darker. You can’t breathe, the pressure of it all bares down on you.

You can’t scream, you can’t move, your heart won’t stop pounding-

“ _Hhh_!...” 

You lurch up in bed, sweating profusely, heart still pounding. 

_ Gah... it was just a dream... _

Your heart stills as you turn and see Eren’s sleeping form next to you. He’s still here. Your hand involuntarily reaches out to him, but you pull it back.

The overcast morning light streams in through the curtains, it’s raining considerably today. But it’s peaceful... tranquil.

But the pressure and sickness don’t leave your stomach, in fact, it worsens.

Quickly you jump out of bed and run to the bathroom, doubling over the toilet. You lurch and make unsettling noises as you hurl violently, likely leftover alcohol from last night.

“ _Haa... Huff.._. ”

You set your back against the wall for support, catching your breath and trying to steady your pounding head at the same time. Vodka always does you the worst.

Your bare feet patter on the creaky wooden tile as you go back to the bedroom to grab your phone, slowly making your way to the balcony.

The cool humid air comforts you as you inhale from the cigarette, the smoke bringing your mind comfort. 

_** Honk! ** _

The tranquil of the morning isn’t lost by the single honk of a car, strangely quiet amid the silence. Maybe you got back into smoking for mornings like this 

** From Mikasa **

You read the notification on your screen, she must have texted you on Snapchat after the party last night.

You open it:

** Mikasa **

**Are you okay? I think you need to leave Eren y/n, if you ever do decide to or you get in a fight with him you can stay with me. Your relationship is toxic.**

A tear falls down your cheek as you hold more back bitterly. 

“*sniffle*...  _ha_... ”

Your tired lungs shakily inhale smoke from the cigarette and exhale, holding your hand to your head as you hold yourself and lean forward, silent sobs racking your shoulders.

Mikasa cares about you so much, and you never give her anything in return. You’re selfish and self-absorbed, you never pay attention to anyone around you except for Eren. You love Mikasa so much, but you don’t know how to show love. You’re still too scared to show Eren, the one person you’re supposed to trust more than anyone.

She’s right too, your relationship is toxic, but you’ve always been fully aware. You hold onto the hope that it can be rekindled, that it can be saved, but it’s all riding on Eren’s impossible self-redemption. 

_ I hate myself  
  
_

** Me **

** Thank you Mikasa **

** I’m sorry **

You stub the bud out on the ashtray and head inside, seeking refuge in the shower. 

You step out and dry yourself off, steam filling the bathroom. Your reflection in the mirror is tired and sad, nothing new.

You pull it to open the medicine cabinet, reaching for your birth control, only two pills left. You’ll have to refill soon.

You put it back, eyes landing on your yellow bottle of antidepressants.

You stopped taking them a few weeks ago, you always felt sick and it was hard to work with so much fatigue, and even though you were tired all the time you could never fall asleep. If anything it might have made your daily life worse.

You’ll start taking them again, eventually.

~

“Okay remember everyone, presentation’s due next Tuesday at 12 a.m!” The professor calls out to everyone as you all stand to leave, Armin walking out with you.

“Can I ask you something Armin?”

“Huh? Yeah...”

“Do you think Eren might have been cheating on me last week?”

His eyes widen, but he quickly sighs and shakes his head.

“I know what it seems like, but I don’t think Eren would ever cheat on you. I know he’s an asshole, but Eren never even looks at other girls.”

You tighten your grip on your arms, it’s relieving to hear. Especially from one of Eren’s closest friends. 

“But, it’s concerning he spent so much time with Zeke alone. I mean, Zeke is...”

You’d have to agree with him. Zeke was a sketchy person, you never felt comfortable around him. He just showed up one day claiming they have the same father and suddenly they’re brothers. Back when Eren was himself, he occasionally told you bits and pieces about Zeke, but one day he just stopped talking about him all together. 

“Yeah.”

Armin looks to you then to the ground, then back at you. 

“How are you doing after that fight with Historia? I only saw the end of it, all I heard was that she was trying to flirt with Eren.”

You grumble, unhappy that the incident was being brought up again. Not only were you embarrassed, but it frustrates you just thinking about it. And Eren’s in the same major as her. 

“I’m fine, I just wish it never happened. I... probably ruined everyone’s night.”

He frowns, “Mm, well... she was saying mean things to you wasn’t she? She kinda deserved it...”

“She did. I’d just prefer if it didn’t happen in front of everyone.”

“ _Armin!.. Hey_!”

You both look towards a student from your major, they probably want his help with something. 

“Anyways, I have to get some things from the store. See you Armin.”

“Hey um...” 

You stop and wait for him to finish, it seems like he’s struggling to find the words.

“Take care of yourself. You look like you need it.”

“... I will.”

~

You leave the grocery store, occasionally stepping in a puddle.

The streets near your apartment are always empty, it’s not the best part of the city. But today it felt eerily more empty.

It feels just like your dream form this morning, like you’re being watched, so you walk faster. The shadow is keeping up with you as you turn a corner and near your apartment.

You take your phone out slowly and glance behind you, someone is following you.

Your heart pounds in your chest, one of your worst fears is being attacked on the streets. It’s every woman’s worst fear.

You hit the call button next to Eren’s contact, praying to god he’ll pick up.

You can’t breathe, you want to run home but you hate the thought of someone running after you. 

_ What do I do? _

_ What do I do? _

_ What is he gonna do? _

“ What ?”

You almost sigh in relief at his voice on the other line, but you’re too scared to let your guard down. 

“ _Eren someone’s f-following me_.”

“Wh... huh?”

“ _ I-I don’t know what to do he keeps following me .” _

He’s silent on the other line for a second, you glance over your shoulder to see the man in the coat hasn’t closed the distance between you too, which you could almost be grateful for.

“Eren-“

“ Where are you?” 

You look up, realizing you’re almost home, the apartment complex just a couple blocks straight ahead. 

“ _ I’m almost home I’m just down the street _ .”

“ Stay on the phone.”

“O-okay.”

Your hand shakes as the anticipation of nearing your apartment builds. What happens when you stop walking to open the door? Is he going to jump you then? Should you just sprint away and hope for the best? 

** Da-dum **

** Da-dum **

_ Please please please... _

Wind carries the sound of encroaching footsteps to your ears, you swear he’s gettingcloser, chills running down the back of your neck like he’s already breathing down it.

If there were ever a time to pray to god, now would be the time you thought. Pray that the shadow trailing you does no harm.

You’re four steps from the complex entrance, your body falling loose in relief as you see Eren open the door.

You put the phone down and hurry up to him, turning to look behind you. The man disappeared.   
  


Eren furrows his brows, looking around, “Where the fuck did he go?” 

You grab the fabric of his sweatshirt and hold on for stability, bending over to catch the breath you had been holding. 

“ _Huff_...  i just wanna go inside...  _huff_...  that was so fucking scary.”

He lets you go in before him, giving one last look around as he closes the glass door.

You finally return to the safety of your home, setting your bag on the counter and rubbing your head. 

“That’s never happened to me before.”

Eren walks over to the window in the living room and looks outside, scanning the street.

“Don’t walk alone anymore. There’s a lot of creeps around here.”

It makes you feel good that Eren seems to care at least, who knows what would have happened if he didn’t meet you at the door. His presence brings a sense of security and safety, he might not be the nicest but at least he can defend you.

You turn around and face him, “Thank you babe... I thought I was gonna get attacked if I stopped walking.”

He sighs in somewhat annoyance, “I know I’m an asshole, but I wouldn’t just let you get jumped.”

You exchange a look between each other, not quite sure what the other is thinking. You want to kiss him, to hug him, but you know he’d push you away. He’s done it before.  He only wants to kiss when you have sex .

Finally you break eye contact, turning around and unpacking the bag of groceries. 

Later that night, you step out of the bathroom after having have brushed your teeth, changing into a black shirt of Eren’s and slipping into red lacy panties.

You hear the tv coming from the living room, the only other audible sound being the rain that returned outside.

White high socks protect your feet from the cold wooden tile as you walk into the main room for a glass of water, Eren sitting on the couch with a bottle of something in his hand. He’s been drinking tonight, but you aren’t sure how much. 

You walk over to the couch, checking if he’s sleepy.

He blinks sluggishly and looks over to you, breath hitching when he looks down at your bare legs, you’re not wearing any pants. 

He switches the bottle to the other hand and motions, “Come here.” 

Is... he asking to cuddle with you? 

You obey and go to sit next to him on the oversized sofa, heart fluttering in excitement of what you hope is happening.

Your body is pressed against his as you sit down, blushing when he wraps his free arm around your waist, fingers rubbing up and down your side soothingly.

A studio Ghibli movie is playing on the tv, you can’t remember which one this is.

He swallows the beer as he takes a swig, arm still holding you to him.

You could almost cry, you’ve dreamed of  _ cuddling  _ with him for months. It almost feels euphoric, how cozy and comfortable it is.

He struggles to put the bottle in the cup holder in the couch, and you almost gasp when he turns to nuzzle his head against the side of yours, breath tickling the hair by your ear. 

_ I love you... I missed you... _

You smile softly to yourself, receiving all the attention you’ve been craving. To anyone on the outside, this wouldn’t seem like such a big deal, but they haven’t been emotionally starved like you have. This small gesture means everything to you, and you’ll do anything to stay here forever, in his drunk embrace.

Your skin tingles beneath his soft kiss on your cheek, the sensation going straight to your chest.

The hand that was holding the beer comes up to gently tuck your hair behind your ear, and his Adam’s apple bobs when he swallows, forehead resting against yours, his lips so close to your own. His thumb rubs your cheek gently and you can’t help the ecstasy is brings.

_ I love you... _

You close your eyes and meet his lips, they’re so soft and warm, so familiar. He pulls away from the featherlight kiss just to return, exchanging soft and lingering kisses.

You heart is hammering in your chest, is this a dream? Why is he being so... sincere?

You moan softly as his lips move to your neck, sucking and biting, leaving a trail of love-bites to your collarbone. You love when he kisses your collarbone.

His hand moves from your waist to rub the top of your thigh, then he moves it inwards. You gasp as he rubs you through your panties.

“ _ahh_...”

Eren leaves your collarbone, staring into your half-lidded eyes with a drunken sheen. 

“Lean back.”

You do as he says, this can’t be real. He’s prioritizing you, it’s everything you’ve ever wanted. Is this going to change anything? Or will it just be a drunken memory?

His hands snake towards your panties, pulling them slowly down as you lift your hips, over your thighs, then over your knees, and off your ankles.

Your breath deepens in anticipation, holding the shirt up so he can place tender kisses down your stomach, you curl your toes as he reaches your inner thigh, kissing and sucking at it to leave a mark, eye burning a hole in yours. 

_ I love you _

“ _Hhh_!... ”

His slick tongue licks up your slit, kissing your clit gingerly and sucking on it, leaving you breathless already. 

Your hands involuntarily burry in his messy tied-back hair as he licks up and down your cunt like his tongue has a mind of its own. 

“ _Mm... haa..._ ”

He flicks his tongue on your clit and rubs up and down your slit with his index finger, slowly entering you.

“ _ Put... two... _ ” 

You beg him, grabbing at his hair and slinging your legs over his shoulders, sweet thighs wrapping around his head.

He complies, adding another and pulsing them inside you, other hand squeezing your supple skin cushioned around his head.

The combination of his fingers and his mouth licking and sucking at your slit, drinking up your juices, puts you on the edge of euphoria. You don’t want to hide your pleasure, you want him to hear your moans, to know how good he’s making you feel. 

You manage moans through heavy breaths.

“ _Mmh... aah... Eren..._ ”

Your hips rock against his mouth and your one hand left on his head tugs at his hair gratefully, the other hand clutching at the cushion next to your head. 

“ _ Nnh I’m gonna...!” _

A hearty moan escapes your lips as your orgasm knocks you back, like fireworks, your hips bucking against his mouth and legs quivering. You swear you’re seeing stars. 

It’s the best organism you’ve had in a while.

Eren isn’t finished.

He puts his hand on your hip and rolls you to the side, moving to lay behind you sideways on the couch. 

You’re still breathing hard and recovering from the orgasm when you feel his dick slide against your slit.

His left hand slides down your shirt to grab your tit while your head rests in the crook of his elbow, his other hand landing on your neck and squeezing a bit. His legs hook under yours to open you up, for easy access.

He’s going to fuck you sideways.

“ _Hhh_... ” He sighs in your ear as he enters you.

_ I love you _

Your hips rock back and forth with his, desperately chasing the same orgasm that had you seeing shapes.

You reach down to rub your clit, his hand still holding your throat warmly, that’s where it belongs, you almost wish he’d squeeze harder.

“ _ Yes... Mm... _ ” 

“ _ Hhh... hhh... _ ”

Your sounds and breaths mix as he paces his strokes faster, hitting your g-spot every time. You feel a tear role down your cheek, and you don’t know from where.

No one will ever fuck you like him, only he can make you finish like this. No one will ever make you feel euphoria with just a kiss. You need him, you do.

Your hand moves up to hold the side of his face, and you turn your head to moan against his ear. 

“ _Eren... haa..._ ”

You move your hips harder as he releases his grip on your throat, taking your hand in his and kissing your fingers. 

_ I love you _

With a final thrust of his hips your orgasm comes again, and it has you moaning loudly, holding onto Eren in fear of falling.

He finishes too, his seed filling you up is a feeling akin to ecstasy. Your chest heaves with gasping breaths, body racked in exhaustion.

Will he stay holding you like this? Have you found some peace and solitude in making love?

He pulls out and reaches to grab his bottle, taking a swig and gasping for breath. 

“ _Huff... damn_.”

You sit up and grab your underwear, walking to the bathroom to clean up. You don’t bother turning the light on.

Your ass hits the toilet seat slowly, eyes gazing ahead emptily.

Like always you were just a toy, it was all in your head. Your fantasies and aching desire for some kind of reciprocated emotional stimulus clouded what you viewed as reality. 

He still doesn’t love you. He was just drunk.


	5. Glass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry this chapter’s kinda short   
> (;´༎ຶٹ༎ຶ`) But I promise the next one will be out very shortly, thanks for the kudos and comments! ♥︎

“Did we want any drinks?”

  
Sasha enters through your front door with multiple bags of snacks, dressed in cute pajamas along with Mikasa and you.

“No, I have some wine we can share. Thank you Sasha.”

You stand and walk to the alcohol cabinet as she joins Mikasa on the couch. Sasha proposed a girl’s night at your house, and it’s been going well so far.

“By the way y/n where’s Eren at?” Mikasa questions as she opens a bag of candies.

Your hand grasps the bottle of 2016 Bremerton Coulthard Cabernet Sauvignon, you just bought it the other day, deciding to splurge on nice wine for once. 

“He’s working the night shift, he’ll probably be back around 3. I told him you guys were spending the night so he’ll probably just come in and go straight to bed.”

You lay out three glasses of wine on the small table you pulled up, pouring an even amount into each one. 

Sasha excitedly takes her glass, raising it up in a toast gesture, “Okay ladies, cheers!”

_** Clink ** _

The smooth red wine slides down your throat, noticeably rather fruity. 

“The last time I was here it was a mess.” Mikasa notes.

“I decided to clean after we got lunch at Pepper Garden. I spent the whole afternoon doing laundry and deep cleaning every inch of this place, but... Eren happened to have a bad day and couldn’t bring himself to say thanks. He did make the bed though.”

Sasha groans, “Ugh, Eren’s the type of guy where you could save his life and he still wouldn’t say thank you. I’d hate dating him.” 

Her eyes widen instantly with regret and she brings her hands up, “Oh- uh- sorry I didn’t mean to-“

“It’s okay... you’re right it’s not the most fun.” 

You’re all silent for a moment, Sasha decides to change the atmosphere, something she’s naturally very good at. 

“So um, anyways, how’s everyone’s sex lives going?” 

Mikasa shakes her head, “Really Sasha?”

“What? It’s  _ ladies night  _ it’s only  _ natural _ we gossip about our personal matters.”

She takes a sip of her glass, “Alright then I’ll go first. Lately it’s been a bit boring so I decided to spice it up for Niccolo. I bought a cute purple lingerie and set the bedroom up before he came back from his afternoon class, and he  _ loved _ it. Needless to say... I rode his face.”

Mikasa blushes and raises her glass to her lips, “You’re so... dirty.”

She scoffs, “ _ Psh _ what? What about  _ your _ sex life? You and Jean have officially been dating for a month now right?”

She blushes again, “Well... we tried it once but... I didn’t finish because it hurt a lot.” 

“The first few times are usually going to hurt, or sometimes it’s just the first time.” You chip in.

She turns to you, “So what about you?”

“Actually it’s going pretty good. There was a month where we didn’t do anything but after he came back from visiting Zeke we got back into sex again.”

Sasha leans forward with a smirk, “So is it big?”

“Sasha...” Mikasa grumbles at her.

You close your eyes take a sip of wine, “I’d say it is yeah. You’d think he’s better with his hands but it’s a close tie. Either way he never fails to make me finish.”

You like speaking highly your boyfriend, in whatever way you can. Maybe it makes you feel better about your failing relationship.

Sasha laughs and slaps her knee while Mikasa grimaces.

“Haha! I see why you’re still with him now, it’s rare to find a guy that can make you cum every time!” 

“Please, I’d rather not imagine Eren doing that stuff.”

You refill your wine glass, deciding if you should tell them about the mail you received earlier. 

“Um... I need your advice on something.”

They turn to you, curious.

“I think I’m being stalked.”

Their faces go wide. Mikasa furrows her brows, “What do you mean? You’re being stalked?”

You walk over to the kitchen drawer and pull out the letters, returning to the couch and reading it aloud.

“It says - ‘You’re a beautiful specimen, I like how you smell of flowers. Can I take you on a date?’” 

Their faces twist in unease and disgust, you feel the same, picking up the other two letters. It’s hard to relive the unease from the first time reading them, but you don’t know what to do.

“I thought it was a prank so I didn’t say anything to Eren, but these came yesterday and today and... I’m kind of scared. The first one says - ‘You shouldn’t smoke, it ruins your purity.’”

“What the hell?” Mikasa looks equal parts disturbed and angry. 

“The one I got today is even creepier. ‘You’ve made me very mad. Who was that man on your balcony? Don’t make me punish you.”

“You need to go to the police,  that’s a threat y/n.” Mikasa sets her wine glass down.

You sigh, it’s deeply unsettling being watched, you’ve barely left your apartment in the past two days.

“And three days ago someone followed me here, but they disappeared when Eren came out.”

“Shit... this is serious y/n.” Sasha frowns in concern. 

Their worry doesn’t make you feel any better, it just makes the situation feel so much more real. You never thought you’d be the target of a stalker, but it happens to women a lot more than one might think. 

“I know. I’ll go to the police station tomorrow. I’m just glad I don’t live alone honestly.”

You put the letters away, you need to tell Eren.

~

_** Clink ** _

Your hands quietly wash the dishes, trying not to wake Eren. Mikasa and Sasha left half an hour ago, at approximately 8:23.

There’s not much to do today, your only plans consist of working on your presentation for your major. 

_ Right then, I’ll get it started. _

You sit down on the couch with your laptop and lean back, it makes loud whirring sounds when it wakes up, multiple tabs opening.

_ I need to get a new laptop. _

A tab opens up to a freelance work page, bringing memories with it.

Back when you and Eren first started dating, you made money off of helping indie singers write songs, you were so passionate about it.

Ever since you were a kid you dreamed of writing lyrics and turning them into songs. You didn’t quite want to be a singer, you’re stage shy, so being a songwriter sounded like the perfect gig. 

And it was.

But you lost the energy, you felt burned out by your work and personal life. 

_** Ding ** _

A notification comes up on the freelance page, you open the message. You haven’t gotten any requests in months since you stopped responding.

** “Hi I’m Marie, I’d like to ask if you could write a song for me. You helped my friend write one quite a while ago and it was really beautiful, it’s actually her most popular song. I’m really not creative or good with words, I just love singing, so I’d appreciate if you could take up my request. I’ll pay you generously.” **

_ Should I...  _

Maybe not. You’ve got other things going on, it wouldn’t be worth the money.

A few minutes go by, then you hear the shuffling of feet as Eren emerges from the bedroom, looking exceptionally exhausted. You watch as he grabs a coffee cup out of the cupboard, filling it with the fresh pot of coffee you made earlier. He adds a single teaspoon of sugar and brings the cup to his lips. It doesn’t look like he enjoys it but he doesn’t add anything else to it.

You wait until he finishes the cup, now’s a good time to tell him.

You put your laptop aside and walk into the kitchen, grabbing the letters from the drawer.

“Eren.”

“Hm?”

You take deep breath and hesitantly hand them to him, “Look at this.”

He looks at you then the letters, opening the first one. You talk as he reads it, face quickly contorting into displeasure. 

“Someone’s... stalking me. But I’m gonna go to the police station today.”

He puts the first one down, “ what the... ”.

He finishes reading the second and third letter, visibly angry and disgusted. 

“What the fuck is this? Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I thought someone was just playing a prank on me, but the other two freaked me out and I didn’t want to say anything.”

He stomps over to the balcony door, opening it and peering over the railing, looking around the street. He sees nothing, coming back inside and scoffing.

“People are so fucking weird.”

“Will you go to the police station with me?”

“I have a class in an hour. You can go tomorrow.”

He retires to the bathroom and closes the door.

The nail-biting anxiety in your chest worsens now, there was no way in hell you’d walk there on your own, and Eren was likely going to take the car to work. Out of all the days he decides to finally go to class, why today?

~

The bedsheets rustle as you toss and turn, unable to fall back asleep. Yesterday was your wasted chance. 

It’s plaguing you, this stalker situation. You were hoping to go to the police station but you were too scared to leave the house. Later you’ll do it.

Your throat itches, when was the last time you drank water? You roll out of bed, tiredly walking out of the bedroom.

_** Da-Dum ** _

_** Da-Dum ** _

The front door is wide open. Someone’s inside. 

Your heart hammers furiously as you sprint quietly to Eren’s side of the bed, shaking him without a care to his precious sleep. 

“ _Eren... Eren!_ ”

He grumbles and slaps your hands away, grouchy as he wakes. 

“ _What the fuck do you-_ “

“ _Eren s-someone broke in_.”

“ _Wh_.... ”

His face takes on a cautious expression, trying to process what he just heard. Your breathing is heavy as your eyes flick from him to the door repeatedly, hands shaking.

He slides out, holding his finger to his lips.

“ _ Stay here. _ ”

Your shaky hand involuntarily reaches out to him as he grabs the baseball bat from the closet and creeps to the door, you’re petrified he’s going to get hurt.

What if the intruder has a gun or a knife? You can’t help the watering of your eyes, terrified for what’s going to happen.

_ Is it the stalker? _

_** CRASH! ** _

“ _HEY- tch!DON’T RUN AWAY MOTHERFUCKER!_ ”

You flinch violently as Eren’s violent yelling follows the sounds of a messy struggle. The thudding of heavy feet running on the floor to the balcony suddenly ceases. Eren still yelling profanities.

_** THUMP THUMP ** _

You jerk at the sound of the person below you banging on the ceiling, likely woken up by the commotion.

The noise seems to have subsided, and you cautiously stand and creep towards the living room. You sink in relief as Eren comes back in from the balcony, bat slung over his shoulder and nose bloody. 

“He got away. This is fucking batshit.” He scowls and wipes the blood away, it just smears.

“Wh-what happened? Are you okay?”

“I tried to swing at him but he moved out of the way. When I tackled him he just kicked me in the face and slipped out to the balcony, no idea how he got away.” 

It seems possible, there‘s an overhang above the entrance to the apartment complex that he could have jumped on to. 

You grab a paper towel and wet it, “Are you hurt anywhere else? That was so scary...”

You put a hand on his cheek and bring the other one up to wipe the blood off. You’re too caught up in cleaning him up to notice the silent look he gives you.

You pull back and throw the towel away. 

“ _Huff_ ,  so what did he look like?”

“... It was too dark to get a good look, but he had short hair and was a bit shorter than me. Looked around our age.”

“Right, I’ll go to the police station in the morning then. Let’s just... go back to sleep.”

**_ Ping _ **

Eren’s phone lights up on the counter, he picks it up, face falling numbly as he reads the message.

“Hm? What is it?”

“Nothing.”

You scoff, this is getting old.

“Ugh, stop doing that you can just tell-“

“I have to leave soon... Zeke wants to hang out.”

Your fast twists in disbelief, seriously? He’s really going to see his brother after what just happened?

He quietly walks over to the fridge, opening it with his back turned to you.

“What the  _ fuck _ Eren it’s like 4 in the morning and our apartment was just  _ broken into  _ this is really not the time.”

“Just lock the doors, either way I have to go.”

“ _What_?”

Your blood boils, you thought he was becoming more considerate with the incidents lately, but he’s just gone back to normal.

He wipes his mouth after drinking from the bottle of cold brew coffee in the fridge, almost empty. The bottle is returned and he slowly turns around.

Once again his expression is one of annoyance.

“I don’t think the stalker will come back, you’ll be fine.”

Your eye twitches, “Why do you have to see him  _ now _ ? Why can’t you wait?”

“Don’t worry ab-“

“It feels like you’re hiding something from me Eren.”

“.... Huh?”

You cross your arms and glare coldly at him. You’ve had enough of this. 

“I’m not fucking stupid. I know you’re lying to me that’s  _ all  _ you ever do! Eren I’m  _ really  _ scared and worried and you’re about to go prance off somewhere to be with your damn asswipe of a brother-!”

“Stop! Just... stop. Jesus.”

“Wha...?” 

He’s leaning on the counter, facing away from you, almost like he’s ashamed. You decide in this moment to put your foot down,  you make the rules since he doesn’t seem to want to break up with you for whatever reason. 

“Okay then, leave.”

He turns back, raising a brow, “What?”

“Leave.” You point towards the door, anger etched into your tired face, “And  don’t come back until you’re ready to be honest with me. You really... hurt me Eren. All the time. I just-... maybe if you’d just... tell me  _ something  _ then I could put up with it a bit longer.” You find yourself stumbling over putting your thoughts into words.

You inhale and exhale slowly, “If you come back and lie to me... I don’t think you could stop me from packing up all my shit and leaving.”

He stands, your words clearly got through to him. His eyebrows are raised in a stunned silence, but it’s quickly masked when he hardens his face.

Did he truly understand this time? How sick of it you are? Before it seemed like he didn’t care, in his head he just assumed you wouldn’t leave him because you’re dependent on him. And while it’s true, you  _ do _ have more respect for yourself than that.

“... Whatever. I’ll go now.”

The door clicks shut, and you’re left in your silence. The apartment is cold, and quiet.

_** Shick... clink... ** _

You pick up the glass from the shattered vase slowly, no effort in your movements.

_ Please... just tell the truth... _

“*Sniffle*...  _kh_.. ”

_ So I don’t have to leave you. _


	6. Deceit & Honesty

Mindless chatter blurs in the background as you drag your feet through the campus, too many thoughts on your mind.

Eren hasn’t been back since he left early yesterday, and the ever-looming fear of the stalker plagued your school commute. You ran all the way here like you were being chased by a pack of lions.

And if that wasn’t enough, all the running, anxiety, and old leftovers for breakfast are cause for the nausea in your stomach.

Today has not been a good day.

“ _Y/n_ ....  y/n?”

“Huh?”

You blink form your trance, turning to be greeted by Armin who waves his hand in your face. 

“Are you okay? You seem really spaced out.”

_ I think Eren ran away again. _

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just didn’t get a lot of sleep.”

“Oh, well I’ve got half a cup of coffee left if you want it?”

He holds the cup up and shakes it, but you’re not in the mood to stomach anything.

“No thanks, I’ll be alright.”

“If you say so.”

You two walk in a comfortable silence. The request from the girl named Marie lingers amid your rampant thoughts, the whole subject of your passion for song writing weighs heavy on your chest.

Are you happy with your life outside of your relationship? You don’t really think so.

“... I think I want to change my major.”

He turns to you suddenly, a bit surprised, “R... really? How come?”

“You know how I used to write songs for some money on the side? Well I got a request recently and it got me thinking about... how much I miss it. If I changed to a creative writing or music major then I could become a professional song writer.”

He smiles, “I think if it’s what you’re passionate about you should pursue it.”

“I should?”

“Yeah, we don’t have a lot of time on this earth, so we should spend our lives doing something we’re proud of, that brings us happiness. Sure it might set you back to change majors, and it’ll be a bit tough money-wise, but I think it’d be worth it. Honestly...”

His eyebrows crease in sympathy, “I think you could use something that’d make you happy.”

“Armin...”

He’s always been such a kind and sincere person, it doesn’t make sense how he’s Eren’s best friend. 

“Thank you...”

“By the way...”

He turns away, hesitant to ask.

“Have you spoken to your father recently?”

You sigh, it’s been a while. You never talk about your dad, it’s a complicated subject. You don’t even like to think about it. 

“No, there’s just been a lot happening lately. I just haven’t had the time.”

“Oh, do you... mean the stalker situation? Sorry, Mikasa told-“

Flashbacks of last night, the letters, being followed, return in an instant. The sickness in your stomach finally pushes its way to your throat, and you run towards the nearest bin.

“Y/n!”

“ _HURGGHH_!”

The bile spews out, quickly. You feel only a fraction better now that it’s gone, but you’re still left with shaky hands and heavy breathing.

“I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to-“

“No it’s okay Armin...  _huff_...  it just has me really anxious.”

“Do you want to go home?”

“... Yeah. I think I will.”

You don’t have half the mind to study today, your notes would probably come out looking like chicken scratch, and you don’t even know if you want to stay in your major. 

“Here, I’ll walk you home. Do you want water or anything?”

You give Armin a meek smile, he’s  so  _kind_. You miss when Eren was like this, when he felt more gentle and caring.

“It’s okay. You should go to class, I’ll catch the bus home. But thank you Armin.”

“...” He gives you a worried look, eventually sighing and turning away.

“Alright then... stay safe y/n.”

“See you.”

You part ways, and you feel a little bad you didn’t let him walk you home. You don’t want him to be late to class, knowing how the professor is, and he’s the top student in the university. You’ll... manage on your own.

You flinch at the sudden ringing of your phone, an unfamiliar number. You pick it up with shaky hands, answering. It could be the stalker, or it could be someone innocent.

“H... hello?”

-

“ _Huff... huff_...”

You speed walk through the hospital hallways, heart hammering painfully in your chest as tears threaten to spill out.

_ Eren...  _

Today somehow got even worse when you received a call from the hospital, saying Eren had gotten into a car crash. You didn’t listen much after that, your mind just blanked.

** Room E-9 **

You’re just about to go in when the doctor comes out, noticing you panting and worrying.

“Ah, are you his-“

“Is h-he okay? Is he alright?”

He sighs, holding the board down.

“It was a bad wreck, but he’ll be alright. It’s a miracle he only walked away with a fractured rib, a concussion and some minor injuries. However we’ll have to keep him over night for observation.”

All the air you had been holding in is instantly released in a sigh of relief. He’s okay. You’re not happy he’s hurt, but at least he’s not in critical condition.

“C-can I go in?”

He steps to the side, “Of cour-“

You don’t let him finish, immediately pushing open the door and stepping in. Your heart stings as you see his weakened state.

Cuts and bruises litter is body and face, and he looks even more tired than usual. What the hell happened?

**_ Tip-tap... _ **

Your shoes tap gingerly on the tile as you approach his beside and pull up a chair, trying not to cry. You sink down and reach out to his hand, shaking as you take it in your own.

Pain plagues your heart at the thought that he could have died, and your last words to him would have been full of hate.

“ _Eren... are you awake_?”

His eyes flutter open to your relief as you squeeze his hand, seeming to relax when they land on you. 

“ _Haa_...  don’t scare me like that.”

“Y/n... what... time is it?”

“12:13. Eren, what the hell happened?”

He blinks sluggishly, clearly a little out of it. It’s to be expected with a fresh concussion.

“You said... you’d leave me if I didn’t tell you?”

Your eyes widen, you don’t really care about that right now. You just want to make sure he’s okay.

“I... well I did say that, but now isn’t the time-“

“ Zeke’s in a gang.”

_** Da-dum ** _

_** Da-dum  ** _

_... He... what_?

“Eren-“

“I didn’t... want to tell you because I knew you’d tell me to drop him.”

“ _ Ha _ well no shit Eren. A- a fucking  _ gang _ ? Tell me you’re joking.”

“I decided to help him out a little after we reconnected, I’ve been dealing drugs and-“

“ _ OH  _ my god-  _Eren_! ”

You can feel your blood getting colder. He’s been doing  _ what  _ this entire time? You always knew Zeke felt shifty, and there was something strange about Eren’s schedule and random outings, you just assumed he was cheating on you, though it did briefly cross your mind once that he could have joined some  _ cult  _ or a  _gang_ ,  you just never really believed it.

Suddenly, you wish you never asked him to tell the truth. Ignorance might have been better than something like this.

“I just do some stuff on the side for him for some extra money. It started the second time we hung out, he told me he was in a gang and was making bank, but it was dangerous work. I needed the extra cash at the time so I asked if there was something I could do. That’s when it started. Today he wanted me to come with him on some deal, just a small one. But there was a disagreement and I had to drive away, someone was chasing me and I ended up crashing.”

He groans and rubs his head, “ _Shit_ ,  now I gotta pay off the car...”

_ H.... _

You sit and stare in shock, disbelief, at a loss for words. He’s been doing stuff like this for the past  _ five months  _ and you had no idea. Your hand involuntarily clutches at your heart and you turn your head down, the feeling of betrayal tightening your chest.

Yes, he told the truth, but it doesn’t feel right. You don’t feel any better, it’s just...  _wrong_.

“ _Tch_...”  you raise your hand menacingly to slap him, but it never makes contact. It’s left hanging in the air, violently shaking with desire to hit him.

“You...  _motherfucker_.  I can’t believe you never told me. I  can’t believe  I trusted anything you said after you started acting different.”

It really is broken, your resolve. Your patience. It’s been worn thin, you don’t even know how you feel anymore.

You raise your angry, hurt eyes to meet his, a tear escaping. 

“So joining a gang makes you an asshole right? Who fucking cares about your clueless girlfriend when you could be selling drugs and hanging out with your manipulative older brother right? You  never  told me! For  _ FIVE  _ months all you’ve done is lie to my face and leave me all alone!”

“I...” he raises his hand up cautiously, but it reaches nowhere.

“So now that you’re in a gang you have to be some fucking raging angsty asshole because you left the good life behind right? Tell me why!  _ Why  _ did you even stay with me! *sniffle*”

You wipe your tears quickly and catch your breath, hands coming up to make desperate gestures.

“ _Jesus_ why \- where did it go so f-fucking wrong? The you I knew wouldn’t have messed around with gangs- I mean sure you were a troublemaker but you never messed with that stuff!  _You know what_? ”

You scowl sadly, words bitter and shaky on your tongue, and he just stares in tired realization.

You point a jabbing finger at him, “*sniffle* It’s y-your fucking fault!  _ You  _ ruined everything and  _ you  _ went and started shit with shady people! I wish you never met Zeke! I just...  _Eren_...  you’re better than this...”

“... I know.”

“I-I really  _ hate  _ you sometimes.”

“I know.”

“ _ Christ _ do you  _ want  _ me to hate you or something?”

He says nothing, he just stares ahead emptily. His head must be throbbing, and his eyelids must be heavier than a mountain, but you don’t care. You’re furious and hurt. It’s all coming out, and there’s intention of stopping it.

“Eren... what could possibly be  _ worth  _ all this? Or can you at least tell me why you’ve never bothered to fix anything?”

“It’s... I...” he stumbles over his words, rubbing his face tiredly.

“... Right.” 

You slowly stand from the chair, and he looks up at you, “Are... you leaving?”

“No I just... I just need to step outside. Get some sleep.”

“Y/n... I’m s-“

“Shut up.”

**_ Click _ **

You shut the door closed behind you, exhaustion immediately throbbing in your head. You could sleep for three days straight at this point.

You don’t want to think about it. Maybe you shouldn’t have fought with him. But... damn it felt good to let that go. It’s not a feeling of satisfaction though, you still feel lost.

You swallow your anger for the sake of public appearances, there’s other things to worry about.

Money is a problem now, you have no idea have much this is going to cost. You walk up to the reception area for the wing, the nice receptionist looking up at you while you swallow the shakiness in your voice.

“Excuse me, um, I’d just like to know how much the medical bills will be for my boyfriend?”

“No problem, what’s his name?”

“Eren Yaeger.”

She clicks and scrolls, pushing up her glasses and reading the screen. 

“It’s a bit of a long list so I can just print it out for you if you’d like?”

“Sure...”

Your chest knots at the mention of it being a long list.

Eventually it prints out and she hands you the papers, giving you a look of sympathy.

_ Shit... _

The medical bills are enough to set you both back for quite a while. The accumulation of drugs and prescriptions, a CT scan, surgery, the emergency visit, it’s ridiculous. You have no idea how much money he’s saved up with his shady activities, but it’s still a lot of money. It’ll all have been for nothing at this point. That’s karma, you suppose.

You return to the chair outside his room, pulling your phone out. 

** Me **

**Eren got in a car crash**.

Immediately you want to tell Mikasa, she’s your closest friend. You’ll always tell her about big stuff like this.

She responds not a second later.

** Mikasa **

** Oh my god what? **

** Is he okay? **

** Are you alright? How did that happen? **

You shouldn’t tell her about the gang thing.

** Me **

** He’s doing okay, a concussion and a broken rib but he’ll be fine **

** The medical bill is astounding **

** Mikasa **

** Do you want me to come to the hospital? I’ll bring Armin as well **

** Me **

** It’s okay he’s really tired, he probably doesn’t want anyone to visit right now **

** It sounds like he can go home tomorrow maybe **

** Mikasa  **

** Alright I’ll visit you guys tomorrow then **

** Wow this is crazy **

** Me **

** Thank you Mikasa **

** Mikasa **

** I hope you’re doing well y/n, with everything going on. **

** Me **

** It’s okay, I don’t think someone would stalk me at a hospital.  **

You sigh and put your phone down, feeling empty. The past few weeks have been so draining, you just want a break from it all. 

“ _Ugh_... ” you rub your head painfully, you wish you weren’t so alone right now.

For some reason, your mother comes to your mind, before things became strained between you two you’d always go to her for advice or when you felt stuck. You need her now more than ever.

The phone rings as you dial her number.

“Wh... y/n?”

~

You tap your leg nervously and fidget with your hands, waiting for her to come. It’s a shock that she even agreed to come see you, giving that it’s an matter regarding Eren.

That day is as vivid as ever. The day things went wrong with her.

It was a hot afternoon, your and Eren’s voices arguing profanities into the air, your mother bearing witness to the fight.

Like any good mother would, she blamed Eren, she grew furious at him for talking to her daughter like that. She had liked him so far, but now it was ruined.

It was now your mother and Eren arguing, and you realized how wrong it was. It was your fault any arguing happened in the first place, you accused Eren of taking money from you with no evidence, you just thought he was being petty about your profanities at him the day before in front of all his friends.

Your mother was just defending you because she loved you, she didn’t know who was right or wrong. That one argument ruined everything. 

“Y/n?”

You wake from your trance, heart wavering as you stare up into her familiar, sad eyes.

There’s no helping the overwhelming emotion of seeing her for the first time in months, and there’s no stopping yourself from standing and wrapping your arms around her, choking back tears.

“*sniffle*  _I’m... I missed you mom_... ”

Your heart warms and you cry more as she returns the embrace tenderly, stroking your head. She still smells the same, it makes you.... so homesick. Your hands cling to her warm cotton cardigan, comforting and safe.

“ _Hi baby_...  I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been ignoring you this whole time I just... I’m so sorry -“

“ No  _ I’m _ sorry that _wh-whole_ argument was all my doing.”

You two cry and apologize some more, ignoring the stares from passing nurses and staff.

It’s been so long since you’ve felt this kind of warmth, it really rejuvenates you. This is everything you’ve been needing.

Eventually the crying stops, and you sit down together. 

“So... he got in a car crash?” Her voice is hesitant.

“Yeah... ugh, the medical bills are going to put him back a lot.”

“How did it happen?”

There’s no way you can tell her about the gang business, she already dislikes Eren. 

“It was just an accident I guess. But he’s got a fractured rib and a concussion.”

“I... can help you pay for it-“

“What? No mom, I didn’t call you here to ask for money-“

“I don’t mind sweetie, you look so tired and exhausted. You must have really been pushing yourself lately you seem so stressed...”

Your face falters. You also can’t tell her about the stalker, lord knows how she’d take that. It might hurt, but you have to hide it from her.

_Wait_...

Is... this how Eren felt, hiding everything from you? No... no. That’s different...

“Well... we can handle it. I just... wanted you here.”

You smile at each other, finally a spec of light amid the darkness surrounding you. 

“Mom... do you think I should leave him?”

She gives you a wary look and sighs, “... That’s your decision to make. You know my feelings about him, but... I loved him before everything that happened. I thought you had finally found someone perfect for you.”

“Yeah well... he’s so different.”

“Then why are you still with him?”

Why are you? You ask yourself that a lot, you still don’t even know. Maybe it’s... toxic codependency, or a matter of convenience, or maybe it’s the sex. Maybe it’s the hope he’ll return to normal some day. There are so many reasons to stay, but you don’t have to give any reasons to leave because it’s obvious. You aren’t happy, but sometimes he makes you happy.

Only sometimes.

“I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

“Well, do you still love him?”

“I...” you frown, you wish you didn’t. 

“I do.”

She’s silent for a moment, looking forward and smiling sentimentally.

“When I was younger, I watched my soulmate walk away and I never asked for him back. I ended up marrying a man who I could never really love. He left because we didn’t get along, but the reality was the world around us, how scary and shitty it was, we just couldn’t handle the stress and fear. Now I’m not telling you to stay with him, _I_ don't want you to, but... your connection with your soulmate will always bend and pull and stretch, but it will never break.”

She laughs bitterly, “Your grandmother told me that the universe likes to test your connection with your soulmate, to see if you’re worthy of them in this lifetime. I guess I wasn’t worthy. But... do you feel like he’s your soulmate?”

Yes. You don’t want to but you do. You’ve never looked at a guy the way you look at him, you’ve never felt anything like what he makes you feel. When he came into your life, everything felt perfect, euphoric. 

“I don’t really like to believe in that stuff but... maybe you’re right. I don’t know.”

“Again,  _ I  _ don’t want you to stay with him, but that’s not my choice. It’s up to you and your feelings. If you make a mistake by staying with him, then you’ll come to realize it eventually, it’ll end on its own. But if you make a mistake by leaving him, you’ll likely never get him back, and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

She puts a hand on your knee and rubs it with her thumb gently, “Whatever you choose, I’ll be here to support you y/n, I’m not gonna leave you  _ ever _ again. You can try therapy or relationship counseling, it might help one or both of you, or you can break up with him and sever that tie forever.”

“Mom... will the universe tell me what to do?”

She looks out the window, you didn’t realize it was nighttime now, how long have you been at the hospital?

The stars in the purple and midnight blue sky twinkle gently, it’s calming.

“Yes. The universe, god, whatever higher power exists, will give you a sign. Blessings and curses sweetie... blessings and curses.”

You put a hand over hers and squeeze, “... Yeah.”

~

You open your eyes groggily, momentarily freaking out that you didn’t wake up in bed.

The sky outside of the window is still dark, you check your phone, it’s 4:30. You smile a bit at seeing a text from your mother, telling you to get some rest and to remember to eat.

_ I’m grateful  we’re back to normal at least. _

“Y/n.”

You turn your head sleepily to look at Eren, it looks like he’s been up for a while, thinking. 

“Hm? Is something wrong?”

“... I did it to save up.”

“Save up for what?”

“Your dad’s bail money.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the horrible cliffhanger.


	7. A New Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hate Me is now on Wattpad and will be updated simultaneously to this one!
> 
> Wattpad username: @Nova_of_Andromeda

Three years ago, you came home from school one day to find your father wasn’t home, and your mother was crying.

What she told you changed everything. He was being arrested for aggravated assault on a woman.

To be honest, it did surprise you. But the more time went by the more it _didn’t_ surprise you. Ever since you were little he would get angry, maybe grab your mother, then storm off. You thought it was normal, he never hit you or anything.

You still loved your father and you knew he still loved you, but nothing would ever be the same. You would visit him and talk to him on the phone, pretending like nothing happened as he asked about your day.

Three months ago, you finally got the courage to ask him what you had been wondering that whole time.

_**“Dad... why did you do it?”** _

And you cried as he said he did nothing wrong, that anyone who wants to yell at him and say rude things deserves to get their ass beat. Why did you never see that side of him? How did you not know? Everything started making sense. The nights of him yelling at mom, getting angry and breaking things, it wasn’t normal. But you thought everything was fine because he would still say goodnight, he still said he loved you everyday.

You didn’t call him again after that.  
  


You remain frozen in your seat, unsure if what you just heard was real.

“Or, well... at least in the beginning. After that last call with your dad, I didn’t have a good reason. I guess I just couldn’t leave.”

“ _Eren_...”

Your glossy eyes are fixed on him, looking out the window. Is the Eren you fell in love with still in there? He really went through all that for _you_?

_I just want to know how he’s felt all this time._

“*sniffle*...” your hand covers your mouth as you try to hold back any waterworks, you’ve cried so much these past few weeks, and yet you still have a bank of tears.

“Eren... you shouldn’t have done that for me. You... _ah_...”

Guilt pains your chest, it feels like this is all your fault. Everything started for your sake.

“This is... all my fau-“

“Tch, I did it on my own. Stop.”

He’s grumbling like he’s annoyed, but maybe it’s his way of being sincere. Suddenly, your heated one-way argument seems insignificant. You just want to put it behind you. You’ll never forget, but for now you can forgive, you just want things to go back to normal.

You smile softly and hold his hand, heart trembling as he interlaces his fingers with yours, head still turned away.

“I’m sorry Eren... thank you.”

“... _stop apologizing_.” He grumbles.

His familiar stubbornness is almost refreshing during these confusing times.

“Mom visited earlier. We’re... on good terms again.”

“I know, I heard her voice when you two were talking.”

His runs his hand through his hair and grabs his phone off the beside table, dimming the light before scrolling through it absent- mindedly.

“Do you think you could ever maybe... reconcile with her?”

“No.” His eyes flick to you momentarily.

Your sigh is a tired one, “Ugh, come on. The whole argument was my fault anyways I just want you two to get along.”

“Why?”

“Wh-? What do you mean why? Eren, if...” you rub your arm timidly, “if we’re going to stay together... I’d like you two to be on good terms.”

“Your mom is just so... whatever. I’m tired.”

You roll your eyes and let him pull his sheets up, rolling over on the side of his broken rib.

It was a small quarrel, insignificant to the ones you usually have. And for that you’re grateful. 

~

You help Eren into the backseat of Mikasa’s car, the afternoon sun warm on your skin. Armin’s at work right now, so he has to visit later.

“How are you feeling Eren?” Mikasa asks as you climb into the passengers seat.

He looks out the window, “Like shit.”

“I bet.”

She sounds oddly hostile towards him, maybe because he left you for a bit while there’s a stalker roaming around somewhere. She wouldn’t be wrong to be mad at him in that case.

“So y/n, you said you’re back on good terms with your mom?”

“Yeah. I asked her to come and she did. It... makes me feel happy that she’s back in mylife.” You can’t help the warm smile on your face, at least one thing is going right in your life.

“ _And who’s fault is it that you weren’t on good terms for a while_?” Must be what Mikasa is thinking, it’s evident on her sad face.

There wasn’t much chatter for the rest of the ride, you don’t think Mikasa came for Eren. You stopped at the pharmacy for his medication, quickly returning to the apartment.

“Thanks Mikasa, you have class soon right?” You talk through her open window.

“Yeah, but if you ever need a ride just call.”

“Alright, thanks again, see ya.”

“Wait...”

You turn back, she’s still looking forward out of the windscreen, her knuckles turning white from gripping steering wheel so hard.

“Hm?”

You duck your head into the car, her voice only audible to you.

“Break up with him. Leave him. _Please_ y/n, it breaks my heart to see you unhappy all the time. I wish you would just listen to me for once.”

“...”

The wind blows through your ears, carrying thelull of city traffic.

“That’s a choice I need to make on my own. I’m sorry if I’m a bad friend to you Mikasa, but please let it go. My problems aren’t yours.”

“But they are.” She still doesn’t face you, the sadness in her glossy eyes saying everything.

It breaks _your_ heart.

“I love you Mikasa. Don’t think I don’t listen to you.”

Silence follows your words, though eventually she sighs and smiles weakly at you, “I love you too.”

That’s the end of that conversation. Easy and simple, and all it needed was honesty. Something you haven’t had much of in your life.

You wave a bid farewell and she drives off, turning to Eren, “Do you want help walking?”

“I’m fine.” He says as he walks away, clearly in pain. He’ll never ask for help in his life.

You finally make it to the apartment, Eren immediately heading for the couch and sinking into its cushions.

“Do you need anything? Maybe an icepa-“

“No I’ll be fine.”

The tv flicks on, he’ll be fine.

~

Your mind is hazy as you drift off to sleep, random dreams and thoughts appearing in your mind. You aren’t asleep, but you’re also not awake, in a limbo of consciousness as Eren’s safe presence next to you warms your soul and mind.

But your eyes flutter open groggily as you feel a strong arm wrap around your waist, pulling you to his chest.

_**Da-dum** _

Can he hear your heartbeat? It beats hard at the softness of the situation, a blush tinting your warm cheeks.

His breath tickles your skin as he nuzzles into your neck, “ _Can you ride me?_ ”  
  


You can feel his hardness through his sweatpants against your ass, you find yourself aching for it. It’s been a while, you’ve missed it.

Your body shivers as he kisses your neck, licking at the sweet spot then sucking hard to leave his mark, the butterflies in your stomach growing more aflutter when he moves to bite your ear, a very sensitive spot.

For once, this situation doesn’t feel wicked or wrong, it feels right. You’ve had a good day, and in some small way things have gotten better.

You turn around and gently push him onto his back, keeping eye contact as you remove your panties. Your want grows more desperate as he stares deeply into you with his beautiful teal eyes, the want flushing his face as well.

_God, he’s so hot._

You climb on top, staring down at him entranced, a loose strand of hair caught between your lips.

Fingers feel over his lips, cheek, neck, tracing the Angel tattoo with a manicured finger. You could stare forever.

You come back to the present when his hands find your thighs, rubbing the soft, sweet flesh with his thumbs.

You lean down on your forearms, careful of his rib cage. Hearts beat harder at the warmth and sincerity of it all, your foreheads resting against each other.

**_Chu_ **

Eventually you move to caress his lips with your own, tenderly moving together, pecking and licking timidly. It’s the most gentle makeout you two have ever shared.

It feels so different, like this night has been painted by a different force, full of love and forthright passion beneath the artist’s skillful hands.

_You make me feel._

You bite his lip and he exhales sharply into the kiss, it excites you more that you can still surprise him. It deepens, emotion fermenting as his consummate hands find your ass, squeezing greedily.

“ _Hh_...”

Your hips grind against his hardness, arousing a hunger for more. The teasing will make it worth it.

He rubs his hands up and your waist as your lips trail kisses down his neck, biting on the side opposite of the Angel tattoo and sucking, so your own mark will be visible.

You clutch and claw at his shirt, wanting it to come off, but he should restrict his movements, he’ll have to make up in other ways.

The need for satiety grows to be too much. You want him to feel your heat, and to feel his.

You slowly pull his pants down past his hips, his dick making its eagerness present. It’s almost completely dark in the room, but there’s always a crack in the curtains, and it’s a full moon tonight.

The light illuminates his beautiful face. You wouldn’t want anyone else, no other man to look at you this way. Only he can. 

It’s almost poetic how praised you feel, possessive over him in a way you’ve never felt before. He’s all yours, you’re the only one with him, he saves his beauty for you. While others shiver in the cold _you_ bask in his warmth.

“ _You’re mine._ ”

It leaves your lips without hesitation, and you close your eyes and savor the pleasure of wrapping your walls around him, sitting up and stretching your vertebrae to start the climb.

You know how to make him feel good, how to dominate him while behaving sweetly at the same time.

You grasp his hand to slide it up your white lacy tank-top, inviting him to cup your breast as you rock up and down, moaning coyly.

“ _Mm... ah.._.”

His other hand holds your leg steady, and it squeezes as you roll your hips in just the way he likes it. His soft grunts offer a gratifying response, vibrating through your core and intensifying the heat within your abdomen.

The pace quickens and the cool night lingers on, you could swear the stars in the sky came down to witness your ethereal love-making. In this moment you aren’t worried about him leaving. Why would he leave when you make him feel this good?

You don’t hide your passionate emotion in hopes of eliciting further pleasure within him, feigning for his sin. You do this for him, so he knows how special he is to you.

_Thank you for making me feel._

“ _Haa... Eren... Eren...”_ his name falls off your tongue like a prayer, and he notices.

Tenderly, he pulls you down to rest on your forearms as you bounce with practice, feeling his cock move in and out of you, hot breaths intertwining in the close proximity.

“ _Y/n... mm..._ ”

You love how he whispers your name, how traces of his yearning linger in the tone. You don’t care if he still loves you, you don’t have to care right now. You just want to make him see stars.

Your hand holds his as you climb closer to the edge, kissing his fingertips and staring lovingly into his eyes as you chant his name more, you’ll chant it until he can’t take it any longer.

“ _Eren... hh - Eren... Eren... mff-_ “

He muffles your pleading moans by cupping the back of your head and pulling you to his lips.

You moan even more into the kiss as his index finger finds your clit, rubbing it in reward.

Heavy waves of pleasure wash over you repeatedly as you near the edge, unbearably close. Your tongues explore each other’s mouths and wrap around each other, unashamedly messy, but still gentle in nature.

“ _Ah!_ ”

You grip the pillows behind his head raise your head up, quivering on top of him as you breach the surface of the waves _desperately_ gasping for air, greeted by beautiful sights.

He moans and you feel him finish inside of you, clenching around him to keep the feeling of it inside. You pulse slowly on his cock, finally releasing it as your cunt drips out his seed.

You collapse next to him, both breathing heavily in the afterglow of divine sex.

Why was it so different this time? Is it because there aren’t any lies between you two now? Or maybe feelings have returned... either way, it was completely different. You can’t exactly tell if you felt loved, but you felt praised and appreciated.

You two clean up and crawl back into bed, tired and refreshed from the amazing sex.

“ _You’re really good at that_...” he mumbles tiredly.

A blush settles on your cheeks at the comment, you really did make him feel good. It has you thinking - he’s in a good mood now, so maybe he’ll listen to you.

“Eren?”

“Hm?”

He lays on the injured side again, apparently that’s a good way to sleep when you have a broken rib.

“... will you stop hanging out with Zeke and quit all this gang business?”

“...”

He doesn’t answer for a while, and it worries you that he might just say no, and return the distance wedged between you two.

“Probably not... with the medical bills I’ll be set back a lot. And I can’t work at the warehouse with my rib broken.”

_Right, the money_.

Even if he has a reason, you still despise it. It’s almost like he’s become addicted to the lifestyle - drawn in by the promise and chained down by its gifts.

You swallow the hesitation in your throat, more willing now to stand your ground.

“Eren... I really want you to stop. Look what fucking happened to you, what if next time...” god, even the thought of it sickens you.

“I make my own money and you already work two jobs that pay you well, this isn’t good for you. How much more of this can you take Eren?”

He’s unresponsive so you turn around and sigh, thinking he’s already passed out.

_What a waste._

“Zeke... wouldn’t like it.”

You narrow your brows and hiss into the air, “Fuck Zeke. I’ll go and tell him you’re quitting myself.”

“...”

Again, he says nothing. You’ll let him go to sleep, but he should know you’ll keep your word.

Your plan brews in your mind, you’re doing it for Eren _and_ yourself. Zeke is truly toxic, and you’re going to cut him from Eren’s life.

~

Armin’s with Eren at home, you lied about getting a surprise shift for work.

You walk with determination down the apartment hallway, the sparkling white floor tiles completing the equally sparkling black wall tiles.

Zeke lives in a fancy complex, the halls smell like jasmine and champagne. This is what his shady job earned him, what Eren has helped him achieve.

Now that you know what kind of person Zeke _really_ is, you’ve come prepared with pepper spray and a switchblade just in case. You aren’t leaving until he agrees.

Finally you arrive at his condo, giving it a firm ring.

Your heart beats rapidly as you wait for him to answer, suddenly regretting this rushed decision. What if Eren hates you for ruining things with Zeke? No, what if he gets in trouble for your stupid actions?

_Stop worrying, you said you weren’t gonna back down._

  
It’s easier said than done.

The door opens, and Zeke appears, wearing a silk robe and smelling like Givenchy.

He pushes his glasses up in surprise at your visit, “Oh, y/n? I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I’d like to talk to you about something.”

“Uh, right. Come in...”

He lets you through and you step into his expensive-looking condo, feeling insignificant in its grandiosity.

He leads you over to a glass table, sitting down and resuming his cup of tea.

“What did you want to talk about?”

“... I want you to leave Eren about this gang business. I don’t care if you see him, you’re brothers, but I don’t want you to keep using him to your advantage.”

He savors the floral tea in his mouth, taking his time to swallow it and set the cup down.

“It hurts that you think I’m using him y/n, you’re practically my sister-in-law. And I won’t cut him off. He can do that on his own-“

“He won’t because he feels like he _can’t_! You’re clearly manipulating him and I won’t stand for it. I’m not asking you Zeke, I’m _telling_ you that you’re going to leave him alone.”

You level a cold gaze at him, setting your intentions clear. You’ve never been one to back down front conflict, and although it was never something you were grateful for, it’s time like these that you are.

“Either drop him out of the gang or never contact him again. If you don’t listen to me I’ll make you regret it.”

He rubs his beard, “You’re intimidating y/n, I’ll give you that. And I don’t doubt that you’d find some way to punish me, I’ve _heard things_ about you. But it’s not going to happen, I need Eren, he makes me good money with drug deals and what-not.”

“Are you saying you’re incapable of making your own money without Eren?”

“What?”

“You’re a _leech_. What you’re telling me is you need Eren or else you’ll go broke because you’re useless on you’re own. Grow the fuck up. You’re just setting yourself up for more trouble than if you just left him. And don’t come at me with that ‘he’s my brother’ excuse, you ruined your relationship the moment you came back into his life.”

“Tch, who are you to talk to me like that?”

You stand and don’t bother pushing the chair in, glaring down at him.

“I’m your brother’s girlfriend, and either I _make_ him sever ties or I burn your fucking condo down with you and every mortal possession you own inside. If I were you I’d think long and hard about the kinda life I wanna be living, and ask myself, ‘is this worth it?’”

His silence speaks volumes, simply staring up at your neutrally and drinking his tea, nothing to say.

You dish one last insult on your way out, “And by the way, _fuck you_. You’re a _shitty_ brother and _shitty_ person. Because of you the past five months have been insufferable for the both of us. I heard you hate your father, well congratulations. You’ve become him. _I hope you go to hell soon_.”

The satisfaction and nerves of your heated chat with Zeke twist in your gut, like hot and cold.

That was terrifying, but oh boy did it feel good. You got everything off your chest and got your point across to Zeke. Now all that’s left is to make Eren decide between you or him.


	8. Passion and Pain Taste the Same When I’m Weak

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys I’m SO sorry this feels like it took forever to come out, I’ve just been a bit busy these past few days. Anyways I’m back on the grind, enjoy the kinda short chapter and thank you for reading!! ❤️ 
> 
> *Recommended songs for this chapter are ‘Passion and Pain Taste the Same When I’m Weak’ by Tove Lo and ‘Won’t’ by Tanerèlle. Play them at anytime

The front door clicks closed behind you as you enter the apartment, the familiar homey scent of vanilla from the various incense randomly scattered about greeting you.

Armin, who is making something in the kitchen to your left, turns to you startled, “Oh, you’re already back y/n?”

“Yeah...”

Eren doesn’t look to you from the couch, either engrossed in the anime he’s watching or too tired to care.

You place your purse down on the counter, looking down at the warm cheesy Italian dish Armin seems to be mixing.

“What are you making Armin?”

“I thought I’d make you guys some tomato basil pasta, you’ve both been through a lot lately.”

“Thank you Armin that’s really kind of you, I’m sure it’ll taste great.”

“No problem.” He gives you his usual innocent smile. 

You turn around and notice you’ve finally caught Eren’s attention, but he quickly turns back to watching tv. 

** 6:40 p.m **

The pasta is savory and rich on your tongue, Eren eating it beside you on the couch. You can’t remember the last time you’ve both simultaneously had dinner, it feels so unfamiliarly domestic.

The air is silent, and your bowl is empty. Now’s a good time to ask Eren.

A small bit of anxiety arises in your chest, this is a conversation you really don’t want to have. If he says what you don’t want to hear, you’ll have to leave him. It’s the worst possible scenario.

_ But... do I have to do it now? _

You suppose it wouldn’t be right to leave Eren to tend to his injuries on his own. You could always wait until he’s healed to have the conversation-

_No_.

Enough waiting and putting it off. Waiting won’t do you any good. 

“Eren...”

His teal eyes flit to you, you can tell he already knows what you’re going to ask. 

You swallow the quiver in your voice, “... I know now might not be the best time. But I need to know.”

Your chest is heavy as you sigh, turning towards him and finally facing your conflict, “You have to choose. Me or Zeke?”

He blinks slowly, turning to look down at his lap, contemplation written in the lines of his face. 

“I...” 

He sighs and furrows his brows, oh no.

“I don’t... I don’t know y/n. This really isn’t the best time-“

“Why?”

“Well... I just got in a car crash and my rib is broken, it’s not really the first thing on my mind.”

You know, how could you not. But you have to stifle any bit of sympathy and guilt in this moment. You’ve prioritized him for too long, you’re doing this for  _you_.  It’s tearing you up inside.

“I... I know. And I’m sorry, but I need to hear your answer. You need to choose if you’re gonna keep working for Zeke, or if you’re going to quit that life and... make me happy for once.”

It seems to have gotten through to him as he stares at you with lips parted, indecisive.

_ Please... tell me what I want to hear. Even if you have to lie. _

He looks from side to side, visibly stuck on an answer. 

_ No... no no no... _

“I... it’s just that after the medical bills and the car getting totaled, there’s a lot of expenses. And I’m taking time off work because of my injuries. But I... can’t tell you right n-“

“Okay.”

“... Huh?”

You stand.

_** Thump ** _

_** Thump ** _

You quietly walk to the bedroom and pull your duffel bag out, your movements monotonous as you shove your clothes, essentials, laptop, chargers and other personal belongings into the bag. You reach for your pillow while sending a brief text to Mikasa.

_** Thump  ** _

_** Thump ** _

You put a jacket on with your slides, Eren staring at you shocked from the couch, you can’t look at him. 

“Wh- Hey... what are you doing?”

“I’m... we need a break. I’ll stay with Mikasa for the time being.”

You hear him wince and turn to see him struggling to stand from the couch, holding a hand out, “ _urgh_ ,  just wait a second-“

“Eren, please sit down. I’ll call Armin or Jean to watch over you.”

_** Thump ** _

_** Thump ** _

You stand unnaturally straight, trying hard not to look into his eyes. Your breath is shaky and heavy, and you desperately struggle to steel the shaking of your body. God, this is so hard.

“I just... Eren... I don’t want to have to wait for you to tell me what I want to hear. I’ve been ignoring what I want for so long. I’m s-sorry I just...  _really need a break_.”

“Y/n-“

_** Click ** _

The front door shuts behind you, your feet carrying you quickly down the hall, refusing to look back.

Keep walking, just keep walking, even though the chain wrapped around your heart tugs you towards the apartment. Don’t cry, don’t breathe, don’t think.

What have you done.

~

You’re silent as Mikasa walks you into her apartment, giving you a sad glance before hesitantly moving to her pullout couch in the living room. 

“Um, you can sleep on the pullout if that’s alright, it’s not the most comfortable so if you need any-“

“It’s fine. Thank you.”

The car ride here was dead silent. You were grateful that she didn’t ask while you stared out the window and softly sniffled, constantly wiping at the stray tears with your damp sleeve while trying to hide your face.

She helps you make the bed and get settled in, sitting on the end of the bed when you’re done, dead silent. 

_** Thump  ** _

_** Thump ** _

Your eyes are peeled to the floor as you feel a soft dip in the bed next to you, Mikasa’s comforting presence bringing tears to well in your eyes.

It’s clear as day how hurt you are, by the empty and broken look on your face, more sunken than normal. 

“Y/n... what happened?” Her voice is so soft, so concerned.

All it takes is her gentle hand on your back to make the tears spill out, sudden sobs racking your shoulders.

You cry even harder when she wraps her arms around your shaking body and pulls you into her warm embrace, nurturing hand petting your head.

“ _You can cry... it’s okay_.”

You sniffle, hiccup, heave, rock, and she holds you the entire time. It hurts. It hurts so bad.

There’s a hole in your heart now, one that you put there. They told you that breakups are like ripping off a bandaid, not that your heart and soul would be wrenched out of your chest and leave you empty and confused.

Is this the accumulation of hurting yourself and suffocating your feelings for months on end? The old familiar sting of loss and grief?

You’ll never forget, you’ll never be the same.

Your tears have soaked her shirt at this point, some snot mixed in with the salty drops of pain. 

“ _ I-*hic!*- I left h-him... *hic!* what the f-fuck have I... have I done? Oh god... _ ” desperately your lungs gasp for air, and you cry harder as you think about it.

“ _ I ruined e-*hic!* everything! I-I love him... I made a-a mistake!” _

She rocks you back and forth, “No you didn’t y/n... you know it was coming. But... I’m so sorry it hurts. It’s okay to be sad.”

You can’t think straight, your head aches and throbs with regret and confusion, more-so your heart amid the severing of your one true love. 

_ I miss him... I love him... why did I leave... _

“ _I w-want him *hic!* ba-ack_!”  You reach shakily for your phone, and Mikasa pulls you back into her loving embrace. 

Being in pain, hurting, is like being drunk.

You can’t think straight, the world is spinning, and you have  _ no _ control over your emotions or actions. Ignorance and complacency is the liquor, and the regret and grief is the hangover.

What about _Eren’s_ feelings? The brief look in his eyes before you turned away was enough to sink your heart in your chest, it was like abandoning a pet. Now he’ll be all alone, because  _ you  _ left him. Who’s going to help him into bed? Who’s going to tie his hair back when he falls asleep drunk on the couch? Not you... not anymore.

Just thinking of him all alone and cold under-covers without your warmth...

You don’t even feel alive anymore, surely you would have died from the weight of the pain by now. You  _ wish  _ you could pass away in this moment from the pain.  
  


The memory of that night, when he first said he loved you, is such an opposite to tonight.

The colorful light of the fireworks played across his beautiful face, his eyes a green you could get lost in forever. 

That childish feeling of romance and nervousness in the tender moment. 

He was happy too. He was smiling, and it was enough to make  you  happy.

“So uh... I don’t really know how to do this sorta thing...” he rubs the back of his neck shyly, a cute blush spread on his cheeks. 

_**BOOM!** _

“I love you.”

He smiles wide and holds your hand, and you smile right back.

“Heh... I love you too Eren.”

It was beautiful, it was  _perfect_.  Earlier he bought you ice cream, and you threw rocks at the cranky old man guarding the convenience store.

You thought you would die with him. He was your parallel, there was no one else like  _him_.

The innocent butterflies in your chest when you had your first kiss, how soft and tender his lips were. The kindling fire in your abdomen when you had your first night together, the heat and honesty of it all.

You were leaving in a dream. 

But now you’ve awoken to reality.

It’s cold and bitter. You’ll never live out your dream with him, you’ll never see him smile, and he’ll never say he loves you again.

You’ve said goodbye for now, but you don’t want to let him go.

The world is ever so dark while you weep audibly in Mikasa’s arms, the only comfort you’ll feel again. 

~

“Do you like chocolate? Only other ice cream I have is mint.” Mikasa returns with a small tub of ice cream and a spoon.

You wipe at your red and itchy eyes, alarmingly exhausted.

“It’s fine... thank you.”

The small television flickers, you forgot what movie you two were watching. You aren’t really thinking about anything now, your mind is clouded and blank.

Mikasa sighs beside you after some time, “I’m really sorry for this but... I’m relieved you two finally split. I’m not happy you’re sad, but... it’s been coming for some time. You need change in your life, you needed to let go. But it’s okay to feel sad, however long it takes you to acceptwhat’s happened.”

You don’t really mull over her words, there isn’t enough energy in the world to do so. 

“I know... but sorry you had to take me in. I mean, I still... have a stalker, so...”

“It’s okay, if they try to break in I’ll beat them up.”

The ice cream is cold and comforting on your tongue, the effects of it slowly coming into place. 

“Mikasa... I made a mistake.”

“Your only mistake was waiting so long, you knew it’d hurt more the longer you put up with it.”

“Maybe...”

You still want him back, of course you do. Breakups are hard, even though you didn’t  _ technically  _ break up with him. You two are just ‘taking a break’, though you know it’s probably over for good.

But slowly the tendrils of doubt and fear start crawling their way into your mind. What if he sleeps with another girl since you aren’t together right now? What if  _ he _ decides to break up for good and kicks you out of the apartment? All these scenarios and so little space for thinking.

Mikasa, who senses your anxiety, proposes an idea, “Hey... how about tomorrow we go out for dinner with everyone? I think it’d take your mind off him for a bit.”

You don’t really wanna go, you’d like to sit and wallow for a good two weeks on the couch doing nothing. But you know Mikasa won’t let you say no.

“... okay.”

~

The restaurant is warm and filled with chatter, but you can’t make out any cohesive conversation.

It’s disquieting that you didn’t really bother dressing up, you can’t help but feel misplaced among all your friend at the dinner table. 

Connie perks his brow up at you, “Hey y/n, where’s Eren at? Oh, wait he probably couldn’t come because of his rib.”

“... We’re taking a break.”

The table is silent, you can’t help but feel like you just ruined the whole mood. At least Armin and Mikasa already knew about it.

Armin breaks the tension, “Y/n are you still thinking of changing your major?”

“... yeah. C... creative writing maybe.”

You all engage in casual conversation, but the moments come and fade in your mind, not really latching onto any topics or jokes. You don’t care.

Your cup is half empty with alcohol, on any other day you would drink to your hearts content, but now you don’t really feel like drinking all that much.

The dinner goes by agonizingly slow, every moment reminding you of Eren and when you two would hang out with everyone. Even the bad memories were seemingly good now.   
  


Later that night you and Mikasa arrive back home, your body psychically and mentally drained as you head straight for the pajamas you wore last night, not bothering to rustle through your bag for new ones.

“Do you... feel any better?” Mikasa stands behind you, rubbing her elbow hesitantly.

Your turn around, blinking meekly at her, “Not... really. But I guess... it’s good to know I have still have friends.”

She manages a smile, “Yeah... goodnight y/n.”

“Goodnight...”

Just as she walks away and into her bedroom, a chiming sounds from your phone. It’s a text from Eren.

** Eren **

** Can you come back so we can talk, I’m s- **

You stop reading. Your quivering hand can barely hold the phone up as you slowly scan the first part of the message.

Seconds go by as you hurriedly change and crawl into the bed, pulling the sheets up over you.

If you went back to Eren, what would happen? What would he say? You’d probably just end up fucking and then get into a fight, which would well and truly end things. 

Maybe... touching him one more time wouldn’t hurt.

You’re going to miss his touch, the way he makes you moan. You find your hand snaking under your waistband, your body aching for its perfect half.

_ He’ll never... make me feel good again will he...? _

It’s a painful mixture as you rub up and down your slit, rubbing circles on your clit. You close your eyes and imagine it’s  _ his  _ hand. You imagine it’s his other hand gripping at your breast.

_Eren_...

Your breathing quickens as the fantasy turns more real every second. Countless memories of his hands on you, his breath in your ear, his lips on yours. 

‘ _You’re so... pretty when you cry..._ _ ’ _

So you cry for him as the tension builds and your back arches. The tears are warm and salty sweet on your cheeks, begging the universe to bring him back to you, just his body would be enough.

But his body was never enough. You always wanted something deeper.

Your fingers reach inside your walls and stretch just like his would, it’s still not deep enough.

You wanted him to bare his soul like he used to, to whisper loving words in your ear as his lap cradled your hips, rocking and thrusting into you with such perfection and emotion.

You wanted the  _ devotion _ you two used to share.

But now, your hands do all the work. You can’t go crawling to him for attention anymore.

You rub your clit and work your fingers faster to hit your g-spot, you almost think it’s really him.

The tension builds until it can’t hold anymore, finally breaking like a dam as you softly cry out his name.

“ _Eren... haa... huff...”_

You take your hand out of your panties and cross your arm over your face, sobbing softly. 

Passion never felt so painful.

You wake up some days later.

It feels like time hasn’t progressed at all, like it all still happened yesterday. You’ve been ignoring his texts and calls, however few they may be. 

You pat the thin sheets covering you in search for your phone. It’s still pretty dark outside, so it must be quite early in the morning. It’s been common ever since the ‘breakup’, you’re sleep has been erratic and short, which feels contradictory to your constant lethargy and tiredness.

** 3:12 a.m. **

_Its too early for this_.

As if the exhaustion from your sleeping pattern isn’t enough, your stomach churns with nausea.

Immediately you stumble out of bed and into the bathroom, hunching over the toilet and gagging painfully, nothing quite coming out yet but you feel it in your throat.

“ _Uuuaarghhh_... ” you’re afraid your gagging might wake Mikasa up.

Eventually, just when you think you’ve caught your breath the bile rises and your violent lurching fills the bathroom. 

“ _BLEEGGHHH_!”

You quickly expel the contents of your stomach, wiping your mouth with toilet paper and sitting back onto the floor, breaths heaving.

Why would you need to vomit? You haven’t eaten anything bad, and you vomited yesterday too at lunch.

Your phone screen lights up next to you, the reminder for your birth control that you always ignored. 

_No_....

It’s just a suspicion, just a hunch. But it would be the worst possible scenario right now. It makes sense considering you never got to refilling your birth control, and Eren never used condoms. 

_** Thump  ** _

_** Thump ** _

_I can’t be._..


	9. The Weight of Consequences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING this chapter contains content relating to abortion.

The clinking of cutlery and food being consumed fills the silence of Mikasa’s apartment. It’s a still morning, but your head is swimming with hazy thoughts.

More than anything, you feel sick and miserable at the idea that you could be pregnant. It’s the only thing on your mind, you have no idea what to do.

The cereal is stale and soggy as you slowly shovel it into your mouth.

Maybe Mikasa would know what to do, she is your best friend after all.

Your stomach churns and your breathing hastens unnoticeably, it’s a hard thing to say out loud.

“... I might be pregnant.”

_** CLANK! ** _

Mikasa audibly drops her fork, a horrified look etched onto her features as her hand remains frozen midair.  
  


Her breath shudders as her face grows more disgusted and angry, “ _W-wha... no_.  No.”

You nervously turn away, having provoked a reaction worse than expected.

“W-well I don’t know for s-“

“You’re taking a fucking test y/n. There’s... there’s no way.”

_** Da-dum ** _

Your hands shake at the thought of taking a test, knowing it might confirm your fears. You don’t want to.

Mikasa doesn’t care for your hesitation. Her chair flies out from under the table as she violently stands up, grabbing your arm in a manic daze of her own.

“We’re going to the pharmacy and getting tests, and then we’re going to come back and it’s going to be negative.”

You don’t resist as she pulls you up.

The pharmacy trip took three seconds, and now you sit atop the toilet waiting for the results. Your hands shake in tandem with your breathing, what the  _ fuck  _ are you going to do if...

You just can’t imagine this turning into a good situation, not at all. Just when you’re getting your life together, this happens. But you don’t know yet, though you don’t  _ want _ to know.

_** Da-dum  ** _

You reach out to the tests with quivering hands, reluctant to see the results.

You slowly step out of the bathroom, Mikasa looking up at you dying to know the answer.

“... Well?”

Cold tears run down your cheek.

“I-I’m p-“

“ _ No _ ! Don’t say it... no....”

You hold your hand up to your mouth and clench your eyes shut, more tears spilling out. 

Mikasa looks even more horrified and angry, after all the trouble she’s gone through to persuade you to leave Eren, you turn out to be pregnant with his kid. It’s almost like a sick joke.

You feel bad for thinking it, but you don’t want the baby. You sincerely can’t imagine yourself being a mother, raising a child while you’re stuck in a place like this. You could almost laugh at the brutality of it, who even wants to be born into a world like this anyways?

Mikasa takes both your hands in hers, her empty eyes narrow in determination, “ _ Jesus _ , how could you be so careless?! I thought you were smarter than that! Y/n, I’m sorry but you need to get an abor-“

“ _ Mikasa!” _

She flinches, softening in instant regret.

“S-sorry...”

You sink down onto the pullout, unable to stand on your own. 

_ I don’t want a kid... I can’t... but I don’t know if I could bring myself to.... _

Messy thoughts plague your mind, you don’t know what the hell you’re going to do. It’s almost embarrassing that this happened right after you left him. 

“ _Mikasa... *hic* I-I’m scared..._ ”

Her hand falls soft on your shoulder, squeezing it lightly. 

“I... don’t want to tell you what to do but... you know what I would do in your situation.”

But she doesn’t know. She doesn’t understand how terrifying and unexpected this is.

You always thought, if something like this ever happened, you would just go through with the pregnancy, or get an abortion straight away. You never thought the lines would be so blurred, that it’d be such a difficult decision.

You don’t want to have a baby, to go through nine months of pregnancy and more than 12 hours of contractions and labor, then try to raise a human being while dealing with your own problems. But you also don’t want to have to go through the pain of making such a big decision such as aborting a fetus. When you were a little girl you always thought about getting married and having kids, but it only sounded so much more magical than it actually is.

Would you love the baby? Probably, knowing you. Hell, you still love Eren after everything. Thoughts of cradling a sleeping baby and hearing them laugh for the first time cloud your mind. But would it  _ really  _ be that serene?

And Eren... what would he say? He’d probably tell you to abort it anyways, but if he told you to keep it would you? It’s  your decision after all...

You try to steady your breathing, voice still croaky and weak, “I... I need some time. I think I want to tell Eren first.”

“ _Y/n_... it’s your body and your decision! And you’re trying to get away from him, this won’t do you any goo-“

“Mikasa I wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing I aborted his baby without telling him. I know it’s my decision, but I still... I still love him. I was in a serious relationship with him, it would be easier for me if I told him. But... not yet.”

She gives you a meaningful look, as if she wants to say something but she’s swallowing her words. 

Eventually Mikasa sighs, “Right... I won’t pressure you then. Just know that... I’ll always be here for you.”

You squeeze her hand sadly, “I know... thank you.”

~

The wind blows cooly past your face, the end of fall has provoked you to wear a thicker jacket and jeans. 

The crunchy orange leaves crack beneath your feet and the feet of passerby’s.

Your head still throbs with decisions, but you figured you might feel a little better if you finally changed your major.

Did it help you reach a decision? No. But at least now you’re doing  _ something  _ right. No one said the world has to stop just because you’ve received complicated news. 

One thing was entirely clear now, the universe is trying to tell you that you need change in your life, and you’ve reached some satisfaction by pursuing your passion. You plan on taking the request for a song from the girl named Marie when you get back to Mikasa’s.

Your feet stop moving when you spot Armin sitting on a bench, reading something intently.

“Armin... hey.” 

“Hm-?” 

He looks up a bit spooked, but his eyes widen once he sees it’s you. 

“Oh, hey y/n. What are you doing here today? We don’t have any classes.”

You sit down next to him as he closes the book, “I finally changed my major. I figured I could at least set one thing right in my life...”

It’s takes him a while to smile softly, “Wow, congratulations. To be honest, I didn’t think you’d actually go through with it... I thought you didn’t have the energy. But as your now ex-lecture hall partner I’m proud of you.”

You manage to force a meek a smile for him, his kind words soothing the knot in your chest just a bit.

“Thanks Armin.”

You want to ask him about Eren, he’s been looking after him while you’ve been gone after all. You second guess asking for a second, but eventually you give in.

“Hey uh... how... how is Eren?”

His face sinks a bit, “Um... he’s... he’s seen better days. I’m not trying to make you feel bad, but with his injuries and you leaving him... yeah he’s not... doing the best.”

Your heart twists with pain and guilt. You wish you didn’t ask, it hurts to hear. Of course you regret leaving him, you’ve regretted it since the moment you stepped out of your apartment.

You sigh clutch onto the fabric of your jacket, “Oh... he’s taking his medication and eating though right?”

Armin rubs the back of his neck, “He doesn’t eat a lot but he takes his meds. Who knows what he’s doing on his own though. He’s probably just sleeping or watching tv.”

“... Do you think we should stay separated? W-what would you do in my situation?”

He turns to look forward, staring through the Victorian-esque college building in front of him. 

“I don’t think it’s my place to say. To be honest... no one can ever say what decisions others should make. From my point of view, one path is easily superior to the other, but I’m never going to know how it actually feels to be in that situation. Choices require more than logic to be made. So my point of view, based solely upon logic, isn’t valid.”

“That’s... a lengthy way to say you don’t know.”

“Yeah... sorry ahah.” He laughs nervously.

You appreciate his answer, it’s honest and makes sense. You shouldn’t be asking others for your own answer, you have to find it yourself. You haven’t been away from Eren for that long, which is why it doesn’t feel quite accurate to say you’re equally if not more miserable without him than you are when you’re with him.

Naturally breakups are hard, but there’s something about Eren’s presence that always made you feel safe and comfortable, even if you didn’t feel very loved.

And when you think of him moving on and finding another girl who he can settle down with, it makes you angry and sick, even if he’s happy then. You want him to be happy with  _you_.  He  _was_ happy with you, but then he changed.  
  


It’s a confusing cycle, one that you desperately want to break. 

~

You lay sideways in bed scrolling through TikTok.

Earlier you accepted Marie’s request, though she has yet to respond. After dinner you threw up. Early pregnancy is a horrible experience, but you’re just happy to be rid of the temporary nausea.

You flinch and your heart skips a beat as your phone starts vibrating and ringing in your hand, heart stopping at seeing Eren’s name at the top.

It’s quite late, why would he be calling you?

You desperately want to answer, your thumb hovering over the green answer button.

You’ve had enough of ignoring him, you just can’t help but tap the button, what if something happened to him?

“... Eren?”

His breathing is all that can be heard on the other line. He sounds groggy, almost half-asleep. 

_ “...  y/n...” _

“Are... are you drunk?”

“ _Can you... come back?_ ”

His drunk voice is tired and pleading, and it makes your heart sting. He’s never asked for you back like this before.

You have no control over your body as you get out of bed and quickly change into sweats, whispering a quick apology to Mikasa as you take her keys and rush out of the front door.

Your heart hammers as you slowly turn the handle of your apartment door, not having been back for some days.

Light fills the dark stale apartment from the hallway, and you step in to see an almost empty bottle of vodka on the counter.

_Dammit Eren... you aren’t supposed to be drinking_.

You step further in and look through the open bedroom door, Eren isn’t in there. Then you notice the bathroom door cracked open.

Your heart sinks when you push the door open, Eren sits slumped against the wall in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, clearly very out of it.

“...”

Slowly you walk over and slide your back down against the wall to sit next to him, missing his warm body near yours.

“Eren... are you okay?”

You flinch when he leans his heavy head against your shoulder. He still smells like cologne and cinnamon.

_ “ ... I missed you. I’m sorry.” _

Your chest tingles when he says he misses you,he hasn’t said something so sincere in such a long time. You cling to the hope in this moment that he’ll say more.

“All I want... is to know how you feel Eren. Can you just be honest with me... for once please?”

You feel your heart jump when his warm arms wrap around your waist, embracing you like a sad child. 

His words are slurred and spaced out, but he easily gets his point across.

“ _I’m... sorry for everything. I don’t know why I... stopped showing you attention. But I thought it... I thought it was too late and you didn’t want attention anymore. I just as... assumed that you would stay until I got your dad’s bail money._ ”

He buries his face into your neck, breath warm and familiar on your skin. Every word strikes a deeper chord within you the longer he speaks.

“ _ Zeke changed me... everything is my fault. I hate myself y/n. I’m such a... shitty... boyfriend.” _

His hold on you tightens, “ _I’m sorry for all the fights... I didn’t like fighting with you either..._ ”

The wetness of tears on your shirt makes your heart clench, you’ve only seen him cry once. You can’t see his face, but you know that if you did you would cry too.

His body softly shakes inconsistently. Even though you’re relishing this rare moment of seeing him vulnerable, it breaks you at the same time.

You want to cry but no tears are forming for whatever reason. You always dreamed of him being honest with you about his feelings, but it’s saddening to see him like this. You know he’s only saying all this because he’s drunk.

“ _Can you... say it again?”_

You know exactly what he’s talking about, and this time, you don’t mind.

You turn into his large body and wrap your arms comfortingly around him, holding his head in your neck.

“I love you.”

_ “ ... can you come back?... It’s empty in here...” _

“Will you cut off Zeke?”

“... _yes_.”

“Are you just saying that because you’re drunk?”

“ _ No _ .”

You sigh sadly, you can’t believe you’re doing this. You didn’t  _ really  _ think the break would last, especially not as long as it did, but you find solace in returning, even if it’s not good for you.

“Okay, I’ll hold sober you accountable to that.”

What is Mikasa going to say? She’ll probably cry and get mad at you, and she has every right to. You’re a shitty friend, you never listen to her. 

But sitting here, Eren clinging to you like he’ll never let go, fills you with such calmness and serenity that you instantly forget about everything that came before. 

_ “...  I won’t leave you alone Eren.” _

“...”

The silence is beautiful, and it speaks volumes.

Even though he’s drunk, and he’ll only remember bits and pieces in the morning, it’s still enough to signify a fresh start, a clean slate.

And even if you end up leaving each other again, you’re content with savoring this small moment of happiness.

But the nagging in the back of your mind about your pregnancy doesn’t allow you to be completely at ease, there’s still worry.

First there’s the matter of having to tell him eventually, to which you’re sure he won’t respond well. Then secondly, you don’t even know what you want to do. 

The thought of going through with the pregnancy and having a kid terrifies you, it sinks your heart and plagues you with misery. More than anything you’re worried and insecure, you  _ know _ you couldn’t raise a child right now.

But at the same time, it’s hurts to think about cutting off such a monumental thing, it’s a  _baby_.  If you get an abortion, there’ll always be the thought in the back of your mind about where you would be if you had the baby.

You remember your mother saying the universe will send you sign if you ask it a question. What does the baby mean in regards to your relationship? Just because the universe sent you a message doesn’t mean you have to keep it.

Would a baby on the way bring you closer together? Or... would it do you no good?


	10. A Knife in The Dark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ⚠︎︎ Assault warning for this chapter

You finish shoving your loose clothes in the duffel bag, Mikasa remaining silent as you move to the bathroom for your hygiene products.  
  


_**Zip** _

"Are you... really going back to him?"

You don't bury your frown as you look at her, rightfully guilty.

You told her about your conversation with drunk Eren, how he wants you back. Truthfully that might have been the only reason you left, to see how badly he would miss you.

It might be a bit cruel, but you just wanted to see how hurt you could make him, it's almost like payback.

"... Yeah."

She sighs and shakes her head, "Ugh, and what about the baby? Are you going to keep it?"

Your stomach feels empty, like it's just a pit.

"... Probably not."

Your hand reaches to pick up the bag, but it hesitates midair. Instead, you find yourself in front of Mikasa, wrapping her in a warm embrace.

"Y/n?"

"I'm sorry Mikasa, for being a bad friend. I love you, but this is something I have to fix on my own."

As you leave her arms, she gives you a soft look, the one that pardons forgiveness.

"I know... I'm not mad at you or anything, I just wish you could make good decisions."

"Me too."

Her car slowly pulls up to the apartment building, and you hurry to grab your bag from the back as the droplets of rain warn of a shower.

"Remember, text me if you need anything."

"I will, thank you!.” You wave to her as you rush inside, greeted by the familiar stale lobby.

Your feet guide you down the cheaply carpeted halls from the elevator, pulling you closer to your apartment.

As you step through the front door, you don't feel weak or stupid for going back, you just feel relief. And as you make eye contact with a hungover Eren as he comes out of the bathroom, softening his gaze at you, you know that things _have_ changed.

He might've been three sheets to the wind, but he was vulnerable with you, for the first time in what felt like forever you saw a more emotional side to him.

Slowly, he might warm up to you again, but at least some progress has been made. Maybe it does make you weak to go back to him, but as pitiful as it sounds, you would rather take back the love of your life who's caused you such grief than leave him.

Eren is a dangerous, euphoric drug. And you're his addict.

"How... do you feel?"

He rubs his head and saunters over to his medical supplies on the counter, you notice he left the medicine cabinet in the bathroom open, he likely took from the low stash of ibuprofen.

"Like shit. But... my rib's feeling better."

You release a small breath you didn't know you were holding, smiling softly at the ground.

"Good."

You find yourself fiddling with your fingers in absent thought. He was drunk so he might not have meant everything he said, as in... your request about Zeke. He probably only said it because he wanted you to come back, so you have to ask.

"Eren... did you mean it? That you would distance yourself from Zeke?"

His movements slow as he opens another container of medicine, the silence in the dark apartment only adding weight to the heavy air.

"P... probably."

"What do you mean? Probably?"

"I'll..."

He tilts his head back to dry swallow two pills and turns around, leaning on the counter and looking to the floor on his left. His eyelids blink slowly with effort, he always looks so tired and empty.

Sometimes you wonder if he feels _anything_ anymore, but last night provided evidence that maybe he does. Now Eren was never explicitly emotional or open with his problems, but at least he smiled and laughed. These days, his eyes are sunken and dark, and the corners of his mouth never lift even a slight.

"I won't message him."

Eren isn't saying he'll block Zeke, he's not saying he'll forget about him, or that he won't respond if Zeke messages _him_. Just that he won't go out of his way to message him.

Is it enough? No.

Your shoulders drop as you sigh, you don't feel like fighting right when you just came home. Maybe some other time you'll force him to delete Zeke'a number, but right now you’re just as tired as Eren.

"... Whatever."

~

**_Clink!_ **

The noises from inside the cafe are but a bumble in the background of you and your mother's conversation.

It's a cute cafe, quaint decorations and plants sporadically placed around the venue, busy customers filing in and out. There's a skinny vase of flowers on your table on the cafe balcony, crowded by the plates of French toast and fruit.

The sun is warm on the bare skin of your hand, when was the last time you went out when it was sunny? It seems to always rain here. It fits, you like it, but sometimes... sun is nice.

"Dear?"

"Huh? Oh, sorry. What is it?" You blink out of your trance and turn back to your mother, taking a sip of your heavily sugared latte.

"Ha, you're always off in your own little world aren't you? How is school going? Didn't you say something about-"

"Oh yeah, I changed my major to creative writing. I'm thinking of writing songs professionally, e-even thought it's a risky field."

She waves her hand and puts down her cup of tea, smiling brightly.

"No I think it's good for you! Ever since you were little you've loved writing little songs and singing them-"

"Stop, mom, it's embarrassing." You visibly cringe.

She chuckles and shovels some toast into her mouth, "But you're good at singing!"

"I-I don't care about that, I would never be able to sing in front of more than one person without pissing my pants anyways."

Your mother sighs, " _Hff_ , alright enough teasing you. I really am happy for you though, I was always worried you'd regret going into something you had no interest in."

"Yeah, I'm... actually excited to get back into it. I've had a lot on my mind, it'll be good to relieve some stuff with song-writing."

"Oh? Like what?"

Your heart momentarily skips a beat, you should tell her, but you can already expect what she might say. Do you want to hear it? Is doubting your decision and jumbling your thoughts further worth telling the truth? There always comes an anxiety with opening up to parents, a fear of judgement and scorn, or a fear of being pressured.

"I..." you sigh shakily, "I know it's a lot to take in but... I'm pregnant."

Immediately her eyes widen, and your stomach sinks when her face lights up.

"Oh really? Sweetie that's great news! I get to be a grandmother! Now I'm... not the happiest that it's Eren's but-"

"Stop, mom - it's... not great news."

"Wh... I know it must be a lot to take in, having a baby is a big deal. But I'll be here to support you-"

"I'm not going to have the baby."

Her face falls in concern, maybe you should have never told her you're pregnant.

"Or, that's what I want to do. I need to talk to Eren first-"

"Sweetie, _hff_..." she rubs her temple in disappointment.

_No..._

" _Don't_ \- it doesn't feel right, you know how I feel about abortion, it's wrong to kill-"

" _Mom_!"

You didn't mean to raise your voice, but her words sickened you more with every new breath. This is already hard enough, she's just adding fuel to the fire.

You wish you could take it back, all those times you let Eren finish inside you or didn't use a condom. It felt good, that's why you didn't care, but now you're facing the consequences. Not to mention you forgot to restock on birth control.

"We don't have the money, energy or time for a baby. And we won't in nine months from now. I just... really don't think I can do this mom."

She gives you a long, sad look. It feels wrong that this hurts your mother, shouldn't you feel more hurt? You're the one who's going to get an abortion.

It's understandable that this upsets her, but... she shouldn't take it personally.

"I'm... sorry hun, I didn't mean to say it like that. I just... want to make sure you aren't making a mistake."

"Going through with this pregnancy would be more of a mistake mom."

"I'm sorry y/n, I'll... I'll support you however I can."

So she finally gave in, you knew she might protest, but at the end of the day she just wants what's best for her daughter. She'll have to wait for the next day she hears she's going to be a grandmother.

~

The sound of the shower fills the dim apartment as you sit curled up on the couch, watching some cartoons.

Tonight, you'll rip off the final, sticky bandaid. It has your heart hammering even harder in your chest. The anxiety of telling Eren has plagued you for days, making it even harder to sleep at night.

He returned earlier from his first shift back at work, so it's a bit late at night.

The bathroom door opens and he steps out with a towel around his waist and his wet shaggy hair hanging on his shoulders, the thin chain on his neck sparkling under the droplets of water.

He paces around the bedroom to find sweatpants, you should catch him before he can climb into bed.

"Babe?"

"Hm?"

"C... can you go on a walk with me?"

He appears in the bedroom doorway, slipping a sweatshirt over his head and furrowing his brows a slight.

"No, it's late and I'm tired, I don't feel like-"

"Please? It won't take long..."

If you ever had some semblance of puppy eyes, now is the time you decide to use them. They aren't the most innocent, but they get your plea across.

He stares for some time, eventually sighing in slight annoyance.

The night air is chill on your cheek, you bundle tighter under your thick jacket and scarf.

Eren’s presence is warm next to you as you walk through an empty park, a passing streetlight flickering softly.

Walking in a straight line has never felt so laborious, and your chest has never tightened so hard like it does now at the thought of telling him.

Your eyes land on the bench ahead of you, it would make a good spot for this conversation.

“Let’s sit down for a second.”

The bench creaks as he sits next to you, closer than you thought he might, so close you could lean into him.

He leans on his legs with his forearms, tired teal eyes eyeing you to his right.

“Is there... something you brought me out here for?”

He must be curious, you’ve never really asked him to go on walks before.

Inhale

Exhale

Suddenly you struggle to find the words, they don’t come easy to your tongue. The fear and anxiety of how he’ll react overcomes you. Maybe he’ll leave you, maybe he’ll get angry, or even worse... if he wants to keep the baby you know you’d do it for him.

“... _I’m pregnant_.” Even if it was a breathless whisper, it was enough for him to hear.

You dare to turn and look at him, his eyes widened in shock are alien to you. He says nothing for some time, only making your heart beat faster.

_What is he going to say?_

Eventually his head slowly turns to look down at his lap, the loose hair of his messy bun hiding his face from you, though you notice his shoulders are stiffened.

“Eren?...”

“What... what do you wanna do?”

You sigh in slight relief that his first words weren’t ones you didn’t want to hear.

“Well I... what about about you?”

He exhales heavily and runs his hands over his head in stress, “We... we aren’t in a good place to have a kid and... and I’m not ready to be...”

“Yeah... I feel the same Eren. I... think an abortion would be best.”

His silence feels like years, eventually he tilts his head up to look at you through the curtains of his bangs.

“If that’s what you want...”

“Yeah...”

You think the conversation is over and done with quickly, but he sits up against the bench and shoves his hands in his pockets, brows furrowing contemplatively.

“I... I’m sorry y/n. This is my fault-“

“No don’t apologize, I forgot to take my birth contr-“

“No- I never used protection and-“

“It’s both our faults... so... stop apologizing. _I think we’ve learned our lesson now_.”

It’s final then, you’re getting an abortion. You won’t have a baby, you’ll give up this chance of being a mother. Could a baby ever possibly fix your relationship? You guess you’ll never know.

Maybe it’s just the hormones, but it’s hard to restrain your watery eyes. No tears are falling, but you desperately want to give yourself relief and be vulnerable.

Your walls begin to crumble as you feel Eren timidly reaching for your hand with his pinky, and shakily you take his hand, fingers intertwining in a show of support.

You look sideways at each other in understanding, his face softening for the first instance in a long time. Your heart melts further when he gives your hand a gentle squeeze.

“Hey... it’s okay.”

Immediately you turn your head away and hide behind your sleeve, sniffling softly. His hand is still warm in yours.

_I need you here with me._

His presence means everything, you didn’t think he’d support you like this. It means the world that he’s staying, comforting you in his own quiet way.

On this cold, quiet night, you sit alone with the only man you’ve ever loved on a bench, sad for reasons you’ve never been sad about before. And he’ll be there with you every step of the way.

Maybe this will bring you closer together, maybe nothing will change. Either way, you love him. And you’re glad he’s finally showing you he still cares.

~

You stir in bed, having woken up a minute or two ago. Nausea disturbed your slumber, you aren’t going back to sleep until you vomit.

You sit up quietly as Eren’s sleeping form rises and falls with steady breaths next to you. Sliding out of bed you walk groggily through the bedroom door, and a short distance to the bathroom door on your left.

The apartment feels colder than usual, and something heavy hangs in the air. You can’t help but look around in the dark, feeling like a bunny under the watchful eyes of a wolf.

_I’m not a child anymore, I shouldn’t be afraid of the dark-_

And then the wolf launches itself at you, pushing you to the bathroom floor.

**_THUMP_ **

**_THUMP_ **

**_THUMP_ **

You wreath and squirm in terror and confusion as the figure above you holds his hand over your mouth, your eyes making out a pocket knife held in his other hand, struggling to decide between pulling at your clothes and pinning you down.

“ _How... could you! You whore_!”

“ _MMFF_ -“

Your whimpering and muffled yells fall on deaf ears, your tears colder than ice. His hand loosens a slight so he can pull at your shorts, giving you an opening.

“ _EREN_ -“

“ _Shut up_!”

His hand is back to holding your mouth violently, and you grow more terrified and awake with every second.

You know Eren sleeps like a rock, but he had to have heard you. You manage to wrestle one arm out from under his leg and clutch at his hand on your mouth, yelling one more time.

“ _EREN_ -“

While the assaulter is pinning you down and struggling to grab at your clothes, you hear the thudding of footsteps from the bedroom, and in a blur the man is ripped off of you.

He slams to the ground and the knife flies to a corner of the kitchen, Eren lurching at him and violently pummeling his fists into the man.

_**WHAM!** _

The painful whacks sound over and over, Eren relentless beating the man.

“ _DON’T... FUCKING TOUCH HER_!”

You do nothing but watch and pant heavily, shock freezing your body.

_I was... was I about... to get...?_

That whole instance now feels like a blur, but you can’t stop replaying it in your head. Your whole body is shaking as you become more hyper-aware.

Blood splatters onto the tile in front of you, Eren’s fists bloody and bruised, but not relenting.

_He’s... going to kill him.._.

“Eren!”

He stops punching the assailant, seeming to have come back to reality. He’s panting heavily, the angry and violent look on his face almost scaring you.

He releases the slump body to the floor, it’s hard to graphically see the man’s face in the dark, but you know it’s beyond cosmetic repair.

The stench of blood and come down of adrenaline hits you like a truck, and you haul your shaking body to the toilet, vomiting forcefully into the bowl.

Once you’re done you sit back and struggle to breath, everything crashing down onto you. That really just happened, you can’t believe you thought you were safe because the stalker had been quiet for some time.

You were almost assaulted, he had a knife. If Eren wasn’t here...

_Oh my god..._

Your shoulders shake from gentle sobs, and Eren rushes up to you, his eyes filled with worry.

“Are you hurt?”

You’re unable to form a simple no, shaking your head instead. You hate that you’re constantly having to be saved, but for once you’re grateful.

Things similar to this have happened before, but it’s never felt so real. Your life and body was in danger, it’s every woman’s worst nightmare.

You were helpless under the weight of his body, he had a knife that he could have cut you with. How long has he been planning this? How long has he been wanting to defile you? The thought that he’s been waiting in silent sickens you, you can almost imagine it.

He follows you everywhere you go, eavesdropping on every conversation, and then when he hears you’re pregnant it fills him with rage. Then recklessly that same night, filled with anger and betrayal, he enters your apartment and tries to take you.

You can’t believe people like him actually exist. This world doesn’t feel safe anymore, it’s never been safe. But... he always made it feel like it was.

_**“Hey... it’s okay”** _

His words echo in your mind, along with the instant relief they brought.

Yes, Eren has hurt your heart in ways a knife couldn’t dream, but every time you felt scared or in danger... you ran back to him. You asked for safety and comfort, and every time he would give you the safety you craved. Even if he’s an asshole, he would never let anyone hurt you.

As if on instinct, your body urges to lean into him, and you let it. The world stops feeling heavy as you lean all your weight on his warm chest, his comforting arms wrapping around you like a safety net.

You’ve never felt more safe than when you’re being held by Eren. As long as he’s here, the stalker can’t touch you again, no one can.

Your weak hands clutch onto his shirt and he rests his chin on your head, you want to stay here forever.  
  


_I’m safe._


End file.
